There's a bad little kid who lives in my neighborhood.
He just looks so nice, people think he's good.
He likes burning stuff that I know he should not,
And he runs behind cars in the high school parking lot.
Oh my god! Bless my soul!
This kid needs to be under control!
Alan, YOU MUST BEHAVE YOURSELF!

He does things that I know are bad and wrong,
And I've been trying to tell him for way too long,
But he keeps doing that stuff anyway,
And he'll be sorry about it one of these days.
Oh my god! Bless my soul!
This kid needs to be under control!
Alan, YOU MUST BEHAVE YOURSELF!

Alan – listen up! I'm giving you some good advice.
It's got to be listened to, so think about it twice.
Santa won't give you anything if you don't repair your brain,
And he'll certainly give you nothing if you're completely insane.
Oh my god! Bless my soul!
This kid needs to be under control!
Alan, YOU MUST BEHAVE YOURSELF – NOW!