Song Parodies -> "Massive Scottish Haggis"

Original Song Title:

"Maxwell's Silver Hammer"

Original Performer:

"Massive Scottish Haggis"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

Inspired by this story... though I thought Egon Ronay's comment "A man full of bile is not fit to pronounce on food" was a beautiful riposte.

Jacques Chirac was also reported to have been unimpressed with the "local dish" (thought to be haggis) that he was served by George Robertson when the latter was NATO secretary general. So I thought the best remedy would be to force-feed M. Chirac some haggis... as a suppository, if at all possible ;-)

Jacques was typical, bigoted and critical
Slating British food
Arrogant and rude (like a Frenchman), oh, uh oh oh
Schroeder, also here, and that Russian Vladimir
Laugh at Chirac's joke
"Britains food's the worst, next to Finland", oh, ho! ho! ho!
But as the G8's ready to eat
What d'you think they serve?

Splunk! A massive Scottish haggis, a real Hibernian treat
Thunk! A massive Scottish haggis, and Chirac's gotta eat

Jacques, what a cissy - harping on 'bout BSE
Tony gets annoyed
Wishing to avoid an unpleasant sce-e-e-ene
He'll say nowt tonight, though Chirac was impolite
Sans diplomacy
Blair should show the lead and will not be so, uh oh oh
But when the food comes out on a plate
What d'you think they find?

Splunk! A massive Scottish haggis is dumped on Chirac's plate
Thunk! A massive Scottish haggis, Jacques can't get no rebate

Laughing jackanape - cheese-eating surrender ape
Chirac should go home
Let him pay his own bloody farmers, oh, uh oh oh
Schroeder too will be European history
Soon he's gonna lose (Gerhardt's gonna lose)
Still does not excuse poor diplomacy, ee-ee-ee
But as those leaders near the G8
A noise comes from behind

Splunk! A massive Scottish haggis whacks Jacques back on the head
Thunk! A massive Scottish haggis makes sure that he's well fed

Massive haggis!

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Silly Willie - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Masterfuly crafted. 5 blows with silver hammer.

Kristof Robertson - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Och aye, laddie...that was grrreat! And such a quick write...555

Stuart McArthur - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

of all the insults "surrender monkey(ape)" would HAVE to be the most humiliating - great topical work on a weird OS, Phil - 555 - and where the hell did this idea come from??

Phil Alexander - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Thanks, Willie, Kristof and Stuart
Stuart - the idea was handed to me on a plate listening to the Today programme: someone said "Chirac was critical of blah blah etc", and I was away... but I just couldn't get "surrender monkey" to scan :.( And I couldn't fit in a haggis suppository no matter how hard I tried.

Rick C - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Great take on a great OS, Phil! 555

Steve K. - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Don't forget the neeps and tatties. Minor nitpick: Hibernia is Ireland, while the ancient name for Scotland is Caledonia. Of course, the Scots came from Ireland, so maybe the Hibernians ate haggis, too.

Phil Alexander - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Steve - I realized that as soon as I read it here (and was just hoping nobody would notice ;-) )... should have pict the right one.

Johnny D of the Clan Mac'D - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Fives, laddy.

Peter Andersson - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

I'm actually up to date on this because it was on the Swedish news, aimed mostly at our rather large Finn minority, but nevertheless. They Quoted Chirac right after having brought back Silvio Berlusconi saying from two weeks ago that Finlands food are the worst in Europe! Which they, needless to say, weren't too happy about. My theory is that they've come up with a new way to distract reporters and voters from focusing on what really happened (or didn't happen) at major meetings. And who's next I wonder...

John Jenkins - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment

Great topic and clever title and parody. The Masters golf tournament has a champions dinner at which the previous year's winner picks the menu. Most champions are thankful that Scotland's Sandy Lyle has not won the tournament since he selected haggis for the 1989 dinner.

Sweet Indigo - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment

Woohoo! I can just taste that haggis now. Excellent stuff, especially for defending our great British food :D

The Folk Man - October 05, 2007 - Report this comment

Classic. Combining a vintage Beatles song with a rish pipping of Chirac....gotta love the cut of yer chib sir! Nice work. Now, if you can do another regarding Mr Brown, a big smelly jobby and set it to the tune of the Portree Kid, I'd be most impressed ;-) Nice work.

Tim Hall - October 06, 2007 - Report this comment

Here in Vegas, there is a British supermarket on Decatur near Desert Inn Road that sells cans of haggis.

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