PED's, a frequent feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

Fancy Lancey, cancer fighter,
We're so glad that you survived,
With your doping and your moping
You got Oprah on your side.

PED's, a weekly feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

Barry Bonds, the BALCO scandal
Took five years to get to court;
Now the Giants have two Series rings
No thanks to you, you dork.

PED's, a creepy feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

Mark McGuire, what a monster
Blasting homers right and left;
Dopey Barry came along
And smashed your record 'tween his pecs.

PED's, a cheesy feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

Track sensation, our Maid Marion
Olympic records set;
Thanks to tetrahydrogestrinone
In jail you had to sweat.

PED's, a sneaky feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

All you muscled megasuperstars
You claim you did no crime;
You were only lying, cheating,
Obfuscating hunks of slime.

PED's, a sleazy feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

We revere our shining heroes
As they autograph our nuts;
Multimillionaires are junkies
Shooting clear stuff in their butts.

PED's, a cheeky feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

Hunky Melky got so sulky,
Now we know the reason why
Your muchacha had a baby:
Your testosterone was high.

PED's, a freaky feature
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.

All the owners and promoters
Say they're cleaning up the game;
Random testing hasn't solved too much;
The fans must share the blame.

PED's, unseemly features
Of our games for far too long:
Today's mores gone wrong.
All you vermin, all you curs,
All you pompous a-hole jerks,
Lance Armstrong, return those shirts.