Bert the farting Hippo, lives with our Shell,
And wakes her up in the morning with an awful bloody smell,
Cause she feeds him sprouts and cabbage, three times every day,
And if he didn’t fart a lot, he would simply float away

She tied him to the bedpost and left him overnight,
But when she woke in the morning, she found a frightful site,
Bert blasted through the ceiling with a really powerful trump
And landed on the road outside with a rather nasty bump

Now Bert the farting hippo has a big bump on his head
And all the guys are happy cause he’s alive, not dead
So if you visit Bertie, please don’t scoff and tease
And whatever else you do to him, don’t feed him beans or peas.

Bert the farting Hippo, came from the USA
He now resides at Middle Hill down Hemel Hempstead way
He says this place is different to Washington DC
And the NCIS laboratory where he used to be

He says he misses Abby, Gibbs and young McGee
He’s very fond of Ziva, Tony and Ducky
But he like it here in Hemel, he’s made a mate or two.
With Shell and Steff and Ethes and Debs and a pair of gerbils too

Bert the farting Hippo, lives with our Shell
They’ve fitted an extractor fan thing are working out quite well,
He still enjoys his farting; it’s not regarded as a sin,
Cause when he strains to rip one off all the family joins in