If you missed the start of our parody of the entire musical on Wednesday, September 30, 2009, please enjoy it in order!

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In our last exciting episode, Eliza DoFiddle has finally followed, and fallen for, Professor Turtle. They produce their first team effort, a modest parody, but it succeeds. Encouraged, Eliza exhorts the exalted Professor to collaborate with her on a "Big 7" parody she has started, but on which she has reached Writer's Blockhead: the dreaded "American Pie". The perennially-proud Professor eagerly agrees, and they dare to post the very next day their parody of it. Despite the close scrutiny of the despised Zodarn Pathetic, a megalomaniacal, wanna-be parodist who is not nearly so talented as he thinks he is, and spends most of his time writing fact-free rants and diatribes, it is a smashing success for the dramatic debut of the duo.

That night, Col. Nitpickering and the Professor celebrate, as Ms. DoFiddle sits by and watches, waiting for her kudos. But do her kudos ever kome?



COL. NITPICKERING:
By Chuck, TT, she did it
Your bidding; no kidding
She really tried to screw it
But TT, forbid!

I really thought she blew it
Redoubted debut, it
Thought she should be committed
But proceed, you did

You have shown such mettle
Should be King of AmIRight

TT:
Aren't I something?
Really something!

COL. NITPICKERING:
All alone, you tamed that little Fiddlegirl, contrite

TT
I'm great; Five, rate
Good editor, it's true
But some of the stories came from you!
[indicating Nitpickering, disappointing Liza's expectations]

COL. NP:
Infinitive, she split it
She did it; you bit it
From horrors, did you halt her
Made her worship at your altar
Though she pout about it
You......... did it!

The folks all raged and cheered tonight
As TT's rhymes, they'd all recite
Ever admiring contents of your skull

TT:
Shortly after it was up
I knew our cup, they'd sup from, and yup:
Each reader: "Phat!" My genius, they would mull

NP:
You should have seen the Fives, applause
Ev'ryone marveling: lack of flaws

TT:
You'd think they'd never seen perfection before

NP:
And when The Prince of Meg'lomania came to greet her
Tried to disarm new leader, all adore

I said to him, "The Fiddle --
"You diddled and twiddled"
She gave you so much static
But you're *so* darned charismatic
And ev'ry-one knew
That you... did it


TT: [spoken]
Gosh darn it, for Zodarn Pathetic
If it hadn't been for Fid, I'd have derided, scorned him

NP: [spoken]
Pathetic! That dreadful Parodian! Such hot air!

TT:
Yes, he was there all night, to get in his own licks

[semi-sung]
That a-hole, who thinks he's a parodist, smart
Total wack, who would kindle a fart
He makes up his mockeries, mostly of muck
But sought to know what makes DoFiddle pluck

Ev'ry rhyme, though so profound
On it, he would try to pound and criticize
Envy seething to the bone, vainly did he try, this drone, to witticize

All our lines derided—what a fool — he’s not half-worthy of one glance at her
But I stepped aside ... and let him prance for her

Oozing smarm that all abhor
He roiled his way toward Fiddle's score
Blessed with wit of bale of hay
He tried to rip Fid's fine display

A vote half-assed, a triple-One
Aglow, so smug at what he'd done
Though with an IQ meager,
Lacking style, but awed,
He pronounced to the posters
That she was ... unflawed!

NP:
Whoa!

TT:
Jawohl!

Her pacing is too good, he said;
A skill that to her, clear-ly must be foreign
Whereas turtles are constructed: experts, native language,
Violinists aren't

And although she may have gone to college in the Ivy League, perhaps Bostonian
I .. can .. tell .. that .. she was trained ... Chelonian! [1]

[Raucous laughter]

[spoken]
Not only Chelonian, but His Royal Good
Yes -- by King Mydas! [1]

[sung]
"Her rhymes," he said, "are truer than Pathetic's are or ever were
"Expertise is absolutely fitted in each line
"I thought my songs superior, but actually, they never were
"How could she receive more plaudits, numerous, than mine?"

"I know how parody, can fertile, be
"Her mind's as fertile and as grammarian as The Turtle be!"

AMIRIGHTERS:
Five ... Five ....... Fiiiiiiiiiiiive!!!

Congratulations, Professor Turtle
For your victory tonight!
Our salutations, Professor Turtle
You're the King of all AmIRight

COL. NITPICKERING and the AMIRIGHTERS, in unison:
And the credit for it all belongs to you!



Eliza's been sliza'd! The Fiddle: belittled, bespittled, bewhittled. What will she have to say to that? Tune in for our next exciting episode, and find out!



[1] "Chelonia mydas" is the Latin genus and species name of the green sea turtle, e. g., TT.