Gonna use Mount Gay every time I make a mai tai.
Gonna use fruit juice to infuse the booze in mai tai.
When I drink my mai tai my throat'll get wetter.
I'll burp and feel better and wipe off my sweater.
It's swell, but a little tart, and sometimes makes me fart, a mai tai.

I have more than two and I get pretty stewed with mai tai.
I raucously cry, "Here's mud in your eye!" with mai tai.
I drink mai tais, and I'm a goner.
I wake up addressing "Your Honor."
But right now I'm leaving, 'cause in court I'm heaving mai tai.

Well it is the court's opinion I was over the top.
I'd had to be pinned by a whole team of cops.
One was fat around the waist, like a tire.
He made me squeal as he sat on my back.

A muscle-bound man threw me in the slam—no shy guy.
This rancid place held men who'd just been maced and high guys.

I think I will remove my bar
And stop drinking crappy mai tais and sidecars.

The man took my shoelaces, and he took my belt and my tie.
That muscle-bound man threw me in the slam—took my tie.
Afraid I'll make a lace, get a blue face with my tie.

I'm more worried about the bar
Of soap I might drop when I'm in the shower
And 'bout the hairy ape who might gape, rape, and say, "You're my guy!" (3x)