An armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis
You might see food poisonin', could just be halitosis
Soundin' like a know-it-all with your half-baked prognosis
Armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis

It's tricky lettin' people's real issues lie
But you should let those people's real issues lie
It's hard lettin' real medical issues lie
But you should let those medical issues lie

You found a tweet from some dude sayin' his arm's hurtin' bad
And ev'ry time he tries to cross his arms, he hears a crack
Before you leap in with your theory about brittle bones
I've got a little tip for you, you'd better listen, dope

Your armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis
Two small shots of beer a week won't result in cirrhosis
Leap more than a twitchy frog with ev'ry damn prognosis
Armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis

Know you don't wanna let people's issues lie
But I'm afraid you should let those issues lie
Your gut tells you to not let real issues lie
But you're not helpin', just let those issues lie

I'm sure you yellin' "CANCER!" had the very best intent
But you shouldn't be shocked when ev'rybody says "Get bent!"
And even cruder words while postin' angry gifs with glee
Cause you know less of tact than you know of biology

Dude, armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis
The smallest cough ain't early-onset tuberculosis
Do more than a Google search before ev'ry prognosis
Armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis

Admirable that you can't let real issues lie
Pull your head in and let those real issues lie
You know, there are folks called "doctors" who have genuine degrees who can give actual prognoses
But that's makin' way too much sense for you, dick (quite undoubtedly)

Another big facet to this, I shouldn't have to say (oy vey)
But I know that I have to be very clear in your case
But when you find another semi-emo post online
For example, there's this:
"The shop was all out of Mars Bars, someone come end my life"
Wow! Not a real depression sign, dude, ha-ha-ha, no

Your armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis
Know jack 'bout psychology, you're really rather hopeless
So keep your nose out of it, don't give out your prognosis
Armchair Web-MD degree means a bad diagnosis