Bouquets of roses and pictures of kittens;
Poems to ladies with whom I am smitten
Bright shiny necklaces of plastic pearls
These are the methods I use to get girls

Restaurant meals and trips to theatres
Choc'lates and presents, whatever I get her
Painting the town red with all her drinks paid
What does a guy have to do to get laid?

Silky white dresses with quick-release catches
Trips to the tennis (but not football) matches
Heroic, fantastic tales I construct
These are the things I do.. (pause for effect)
...to not get chucked

If you romance
If she won't dance
If she takes the piss
I simply use some of my fav'rite techniques
I know that I'll get
A kiss


Autohypnosis and self-helping videos
[Sub]conscious suggestion in whispers, insidios
Dragging her off, hand entwined in her curls
These are the methods I use to get girls

Near see-through dresses for upping the antes
Lace push-up bras and invisible panties
Peeking as she tries them on in the store
My backup plan in case I do not score

Large double-measures of drinks, alcoholic
If she's not looking then drops, rohypnolic
Kidnapping, threats of disfigurement, say
Anything, just to get my end away

If the dog bites
If she's fleeing
If she's being paid
I simply use my aforementioned techniques
And then I know I'll
Get laid