My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to Ma and me
Just a book of poems and "Ulysses" by James Joyce
Now, I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me "Royce"

Well, he must o' thought that it was quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk
It seems I had to fight both girlce and boyce
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a girl named "Royce"

Well, I grew up quick, and as just a teen
'Twas known by all that my wit was keen
I scribbled silly songs to find my fame
But I made me a vow to the moon and sun
That I'd search the web sites, ev'ry one
And kill that man that give me that awful name

Well, it was AmIRight in mid-July
I wanted laughs, duly droll and dry
I thought I'd browse and see what fakes it foists
At a par-o-dy based on Johnny Cash
There at a 'puter, typing trash
Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Royce"

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye
He was big and bent and gray and old
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold
And I said: "My name is Royce!! That name annoyce! Now, you gonna die!"

Well, I hit him hard with satiric stab
But he came back with a stinging jab
He come up with a joke and sliced me in pieces with it
But I voted three Ones right across his page
And we crashed through the wall and onto the stage
Makin' up MIDIs in the slime and the rhyme and the wit

I've taken shots at tougher men
But I really can't remember when
He quipped like a fool, with bon mots, many brimming bile
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss
He went for his pun and I said mine first
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile

And he said: "Girl, this world is rough
"And if a gal's gonna make it, she's gotta be tough
"And I knew I wouldn't be there to give ya a start
"So I give ya that name and I said good-bye
"I knew you'd have to get sharp or die
"And it's that name that helped to make you smart"

He said: "Now, you just spun one hell of a song
"And I know you hate me, and you won't be wrong
"To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you for that choice
"But ya ought to thank me, before I'm dead
"For the brilliance in ya brain and the slams that ya said
'"Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you 'Royce'"!

What did I do? What could I do?!

I got all choked up and I threw down my pen
And I called him my Cock, and he called me his Hen
And I come away with a mad urge to rejoice
And I think about how I survived
Every time I try and every time I'm Fived
And if I ever have a girl, I think I'm gonna name her
Jill, or Marge! Anything but Royce!

I still hate that name!