What male could ever forget this incident. Nice OS to use and parody.

Great use of song, Jim! This one's a "cut" above the rest!!! I remember when he was on the Howard Stern Pay-per-view specials, back in that time..

i howled non-stop reading this one

A memory-maker about a member-taker.

Just this week I saw a piece on TV where John Wayne forgave Loretta, said the incident was his fault and gave her a hug...What's this world coming to?...Nice job here!!!...555

Thanks everybody, still gotta cringe just thinking about it....downright unthinkable.

As if John Wayne Bobbitt wasn't weird enough, his wife Lorena (not Loretta, as Leo Keough said) was even more of a wack-o. This parody was very good, as I have come to expect from Signor Rotondo, and here are some more 5s.

Pretty funny, but (maybe I am not scanning it right), I had a wee problem with the pacing in the line "drunk and in a blood pool".

Thanks Andria, PMS, not a problem, the recording was submitted last night, should be posted soon, the line works nicely...very strange song.

PMS' comment made me put OS side-by-side. This is some "tough love", Jim, but you're a talented writer, capable of nailing pacing if you put your mind to it.

Line 4 is one syl over. All four main lines of verse 2 are off, the third line being 5 syllables (!) short. PMS' line is indeed one short, and the next line is one over. (umm, no, they don't average out.. sorry.) Last verse, last main line one short. Overall, half the main lines are off. (Source: 3w.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/White-Rabbit-lyrics-Jefferson-Airplane/7109AE560A05F54748256BF400 08120A) I don't see how the recording can match:

You’d think you could have trusted ...... (to)
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar

May I humbly recommend TT's sure-fire method of perfect pacing? 3w.geocities.com/tommythedancingturtle/Pacing_Page_1.html

Content: excellent, esp. "Now make your fingers hard" ROFL! Overall, 1-5-2. Unfortunate... with a little care, this would have been a triple-5 smash. ... and wouldn't bother spending time on the critique if I didn't respect the recipient and think the talent was deserving of the effort of the critic.

This was pretty funny, and the rhyming is spot-on. Re: the pacing, I gave this a 4. The 3rd line of the second verse is 4 syllables short: uncontracting "you'd" brings it to three, and the words you used are much harder to get off quickly than "tell-em-a-hooka...", bringing the 'effective count' to maybe 1-2 syllables short. Recording this as-written wouldn't be too difficult (aside from trying to sound like Grace Slick), because of the style of the OS. Grace Slick "dwells" on certain words, which gives you quite a bit of latitude in pacing. The lack of choruses also works in your favor. If you had similar pacing errors in a more 'ridgid' song (such as "Yesterday"), I would have given this a 2 for pacing.

All that said, I agree with the Turtle, and his guide is something that is well-written and worth checking out.

TT and Red Ant, I do appreciate the very constructive thoughts. I did check out your Turtle pacing webpage, excellent resource. The past week I've been posting the lyrics AND the recording the same day with hopes you can see how the recording works perfectly before judging the lyrics...anyway, I'm an old Cream fan and a guitarist, all the perfect timing rules are out the window! But do check the recording, it was posted one day late....I'm satisfied, especially with the Barney Fife impression.

most disgusting subject . . . but The OS by the Sirplane is good to recall again. I only enjoyed the ~Guitar Entry~ Paul Kanter, perhaps? (prior to Grace's vocal) on this Airplane hit.

Red Ant makes some good points about the latitude afforded by Slick's style and pronunciation -- for *voice recording*. Having written for radio, I'm well aware that they're much less strict on pacing, since they can take advantage of the same latitude.

"But" .. .this site was originally a print medium, and this portion still is. Had only the recording been posted, probably wouldn't have been so strict. But when *reading*, expect it to match well to the OS lyrics. Often barely have time to just read my favorite writers -- present company included -- rarely get to listen to recordings. But then, no one listened to the Italian recording of "Volare" lol. So just going by what's on the screen. Still excellent concept and lines, Jim. IMHO. YMMV.

@ Red Ant: Thanks for volunteering your disinterested, expert opinion before I asked you to (as a check on myself, not on Jim). You're right, the hookah line is only 4 short. I was going blind by then, back and forth from OS to parody and back. However, "uncontracting 'you'd" "-- if that was the writer's intention, it should have been written that way. *Personally*, I would have taken "Tellemahookah" as a challenge to find a matching, fast five-syllable sub, like "Sell a bazooka", or "Tall melaleuca" (tree) or "Michael DeLuca" (actor, "Boogie Nights", among others) ... etc. But that's just I. To each their own. Thanks for stopping by.

I do realize now that this is indeed a print medium, first and foremost. When I started here 3 months ago, I posted 11 recordings thinking they "would count", but didn't. I firmly believe the recording hammers home the point where the rubber hits the road, and if it works, nuff said. I would also be more likely to take counsel from fellow musicians, those who have posted recordings, but unfortunately this is a lyricists forum and apples and oranges must learn to deal with each other like guitarists (in my case) must deal with loud bass players and angry drummers!

Jim, by coincidence (or by some Higher Power), I heard TOS last night under nearly ideal conditions: Satellite (digital) radio and receiver, 4-speaker car, engine off, windows rolled up, so no exterior noise and a nice, small, enclosed echo chamber. Grace does indeed enunciate every syllable of "Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar", but I don't think it came out nearly that clear on a tinny, AM transistor radio back when OS was released :-)

Re: "I would also be more likely to take counsel from fellow musicians," ... I can't sing worth a hoot, and play at a laughable level. I write, and let others produce. That's what we do *here* (this part of the site), write. I'd hardly critique your recordings, but when in written Rome, do as the Roman writers do. :-)

I calls 'em as I sees 'em, and expect the same in return. The flip side is that a 555 from TT isn't a quick "ok, here's your five, now gimme mine" (a discussion that's been had here many times) -- it *means* something, at least to moi. The more superior the writer, the higher the bar (IMHO), and you've set yourself a very high bar in a very short time here. To prove it isn't personal, and that you're still one of my faves, check here Monday, May 18 (CG willing), for a response in TT's favorite form: parody. Cheers!

Heckuva tribute TT, really appreciate it. It does seem the 555's fly too often here and over-rating is rampant. I developed an allergy to ratings on YouTube about 70 videos ago and began disabling them. There is competition among Manualists, and the lowballing from them was intolerable. I'm past 90 days now, no longer a freshman....I look forward to my sophomore year here in Parody Paradise. Cheers mate!