Just what in Hell was Helen thinking? Queen, no joy?
Go running off, the wife of King, with Trojan boy?
It must be a case of: got "Greece" in pants
All "juiced" at thought of Paris, and I don't mean "France"
What lovely, luscious lips;
The face that launched a thousand ships!

Athena, Aprhrodite, Hera: Hottie, which?
An apple thrown by Eris, Goddess of the B*tch [1]
Complaining, poor Helen, as women do:
"It's always been our fate: that Menelaus, too!" [2]
Such shapely, swiv'ly hips
Her marriage vows, she shreds and rips! [3]

Blew top, and asked his Bro: [4]
Agamemnon's a-go-ny:
"Helen: help back into my arms
"And Troy will belong to thee!"

The Grecian Army!

Launched a thousand ships 'cross the Aegean sea [5]
The heck with Hector; Ajax-off; so Odd-is-he [6]
The poor Trojans' fate, did Achaeans seal [7]
Flaw, fatal, fin'lly found, and killed: Achilles' heel
The Gods' ungodly tricks:
When dipped into the river Styx! [8]

[interlude -- lots of fighting]

Uh-oh; Two shtupped, and riled is he
Calls his allies all to war
Grecians armed; armored; arm in arm
Her heels: heel; Hellenic hore [9]

"War's Hell-en", Honey! [10]

Clytemnestra: quite the mistress; Mycenae [11]
The "Iliad": a silly lad: laid siege; her, lay [12]
Troy fooled: "war was over", but best beware:
Those gritty Greeks and grave, but grandiose, gifts they bear
Thought war had run its course?
We all should fear the Trojan Horse! [13]

Their world was shattered; all battered, ancient Greece:
No peace, for Paris' perfect "piece"!



[1] OK, here we go. Eris was the goddess of strife and discord. (B*tch, b*tch, b*tch! A woman, of course -- those sexist Greeks!)
The goddesses Hera, Athena and Aphrodite had been invited to a wedding, along with the rest of the Olympus crew, but Eris had been snubbed because of her troublemaking inclinations. To get even, she tossed through the window of the party a golden apple, inscribed "To the most beautiful one". Naturally, Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera each insisted it was for them, and began quarreling.
To be continued....

[2] Helen was the most beautiful woman on earth. So many guys were after her that according to one version, they ended up drawing straws for her. So her marriage was not by her choice.
The winning husband was the King of Sparta, Menelaus, which leads to TT's all-time fave of his own *original* puns. The problem is that it's only about once every ten years that someone gets it. (Let it be a challenge to you.)

[3] Back to [1]. None of the gods wanted to get in the middle of this quarrel (no fools, they! -- unlike us mortals), so head god Zeus ordered all three to visit the future Prince of Troy, Paris, and let the mortal Paris decide. The three ladies stripped naked for Paris and batted their eyelashes, but he couldn't decide, so being goddesses, they offered him bribes.

Athena offered Paris wisdom, skill in battle, and the abilities of the greatest warriors.
Hera offered him political power and control of all of Asia.
Aphrodite offered him the love of the most beautiful woman in the world.

Guess which Paris chose.
(Hint: Think "Bill Clinton". Risk losing the most powerful position on Earth for a fling with an intern? Sure! Men haven't changed in 3200 years.)

So Paris went to Sparta and eloped with Queen Helen, which (surprise!) didn't sit too well with King Menelaus....

[4] ... who promptly asked his brother, King Agamemnon of Mycenae, to join him in a revenge attack against Troy for Paris' insult.

[5] Leading to the common compliment to Helen that is the title of this parody.

[6] Hector was the eldest Prince of Troy, heir to the throne, and their greatest warrior. He and Ajax (who isn't in the 2004 movie) fought several times to a draw and respected each other. Ajax survived the war, but later committed suicide, leaving as a legacy a household cleansing powder and an Internet technology to do jazzier things with your web browser. Horrible, rotten pun at the end - sorry! (not really ;).

[7] Achaeans = Greeks, the alliance against the Trojans

[8] According to a much-later source only (the first century A.D., vs. these legends being placed in about 1100-1300 B.C.), when Achilles was born, his mother tried to make him invulnerable by dipping him in the river Styx, the border between Earth and the Underworld (afterlife). However, the water didn't reach the part by which she held him -- his heel -- and thus, that portion was vulnerable.
From this, we refer to the one weakness of an otherwise strong person, institution, etc., as their "Achilles' heel".

[9] Turtles Gone Wild!

In English: On her heels (so to speak) with the "heel" (cad, dishonorable person), Paris;
"Hellenic" = referring to Greek culture, especially ancient, but not directly related to Helen (modern Greece is officially entitled the Hellenic Republic), and hence a pun on Helen's name;
and having alliterated the entire sentence, wasn't about to throw in the "w" at the end for the sake of accurate spelling. ;-)

[10] About 3100 years later, US General William Tecumseh Sherman, veteran of the American Civil War, was said to have made the observation that "war is hell". Doesn't seem like it's changed much from Helen to Sherman to now, does it?

[11] Review time, 'cuz even *we're* getting a bit foggy here:
Helen was wife of Menelaus, King of Sparta, right?
His brother, Agamemnon, King of Mycenae, married Clytemnestra, who was *Helen's sister*.
The plot thickens.... more reason for the two Kings to join in revenge for Helen's adulterous abandoning of the Achaean administration.

[12] In short, the whole ten years' siege, of which Homer's "Iliad" recounts parts, was all about one woman. Hey, they're like buses -- if you miss one, another will be along in ten minutes. In short. like most wars, complete idi-odyssey.
(Actually, these two lines were just the authors having fun with words -- isn't that why we're all here?)

[13] There are a lot of other, more likely, explanations these days, but the favorite myth is that the Greeks appeared to give up and sail away, leaving behind a huge wooden horse as a gift of tribute. It was full of Greek soldiers, and the remainder of the Greek army sailed back under cover of night. When the Trojans hauled it in as spoils of war, the Greeks inside sneaked out and opened the gates of Troy, allowing the rest of the army to enter the walled city, finally destroying it and ending the war.

This is why a malicious computer program that pretends to be a useful or entertaining program, often deliberately downloaded or clicked on in an e-mail attachment, is called a "Trojan Horse" (or just "Trojan") -- because it sneaks in with the victim's cooperation, as opposed to an active "hacking" attack.

FUN FACTS: MOST AND LEAST

The most fun fact of all: The 2004 movie version starred the guy whose first big break in the movies came in the same Oscar-winning flic as TT's first big break in the movies. Hey, check out the last two letters of the dude's last name! Coincidence? TT thinks not. ;)

The least fun fact of all: If TT looked like Mr. Achilles instead of being a little green guy with stumpy flippers and a sharp beak, he'd still be in Hollywood, perfectly happy taking sloppy seconds like J. Aniston, instead of burdening AmIRight with his presence. (Help a poor turtle and rent that breakthrough flic. The residuals still come in handy.)