Based on a true story*

[The following disclaimer appears in tiny, nearly invisible script, or spoken faster than an auctioneer with diarrhea....or diarrhoea, which is what the Haggis-eaters get in Great Britain :-)]

*[Although filled with factual errors, half-truths, lies, falsehoods, rumors, gossip, innuendo, historical inaccuracies, anachronisms (objects and characters misplaced in time), sad, pathetic attempts at humor, double entendres, and, by and large is in the wrong chronological order]

**[Do not read if pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant, have a grandmother who's pregnant, a sister you have impregnated, have liver damage, heart problems, emphysema, corns, bunions, calluses, or genital warts with herpes. Bongs before viewing are not mandatory, but recommended. If, after reading, vomiting continues for more than 4 hours, consult your doctor]

[Film Score by Nero, recorded as Rome burns]

[lines in parentheses sung SOTTO VOCE to audience]

[May the Tour de Farce Be With You]

{ IMAGINARY CAST OF CHARACTERS }

{These are to be visualized as their part appears in this 'trailer'....most of their names don't actually appear. It will help 'flesh out' the farce, so to speak}

Roger Ebert....as himself, the movie critic, giving a "THUMBS DOWN"
Chuck Mooty (CEO of Orange Julius™, the original smoothie drink franchised throughout the U.S.).....as Julius Caesar
Congressman Mark Foley.....as the Roman Senator seeking a 'young Jerome', a young male prostitute
Richard Petty....as the first Nascar™chariot race winner
Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhart Jr, as losers getting 'pantsed'
Russell Crowe...as the Aging Gladiator
Adolph Hitler.....as Atilla The Hun, the 'some Hun' (script boy during Russell Crowe's audition)
Brad Pitt....as Achilles, the 'someone' sneaking the Trojan Horse inside
Paris Hilton...... as Wren, the gal in 'WREN DOES ROME', and the coming sequel, PARIS DOES PARIS
John Holmes.....as Caligula
Anthony Hopkins.....as Hannibal crossing the Alps
Rodney Dangerfield....the "Caesar too ugly to shtup"
Osama bin Laden.....as himself
Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan..... the heathen females taunted by Osama bin Laden
Elizabeth Taylor....the face imposed on Rodney Dangerfield's blow up doll, and as Cleopatra
Singer Marc Anthony..... as the Roman Marc Anthony
Bart Simpson.....as himself
Homer Simpson....as the ancient Homer, author of ILLIAD© and ODYSSEY©
A camel.....as Osama bin Laden's girlfriend
Jon Lovitz, playing the lyre....as Nero, playing "The Liar"
Rin Tin Tin....as the drug sniffing dog who bites Hannibal's nose off,( the reason for which is explained in the parody)
Nicole Ritchie and Karen Carpenter.....as the bulimic 'loco boozers' in the vomitorium
Pamela Anderson....the 'bod bare-breasted' in the first verse
Guantanamo Bay prison compound...as 'Git-Mo'
Napoleon....the Guillotine operator
John Belushi........wearing a toga when he holds Nicole Ritchie's hair as she pukes
Jeffrey Dahmer.....Napoleon's guillotine helper and morgue attendant

Cameo appearances by...Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Reverend Jim Jones, Joseph Stalin, and Idi Amin, as Attilla the Hun's smugglers and henchmen

Special Guest Star: Robert Di Niro (Latin for: "From The Loins Of Nero)

Future Guest Stars.....Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky...as themselves, in the sequel

BOB DYLAN.......wandering aimlessly throughout the movie, muttering "Oh, the humanity!"

DESTINATION: ROME..........[the movie trailer]

[Narrated by Robert Di Niro]


We're getting murdered by the critics
They're calling our togas 'gowns'
They thirst for blood and like ancient Caesars
Damned Ebert gave 'thumbs down'
Flash backwards: Circus Maximus
Watch chariots, entranced
The winners get a trophy from Nascar™
The losers all get pantsed
You can buy a bod bare breasted
Or even young 'Jeromes'
A lady or guy, for hours or nights
In..."Destination: Rome"

Now Julius, he's the head honcho
"It takes Huns to Kill Hun"s, he'll lie
(These days his kin are strictly retail
ORANGE JULIUS™ guys)
And in comes Russell Crowe™, he's gloating
"I'll be great in this, I'm the Lead ! "
But some Hun says "You've read the wrong part, my friend"
"You're in Act Three"
Now the only place for him
Is that Old Gladiators Home
He's wearing "DEPENDS MAXIMUS™ "
In: "Destination Rome"

Now the troops do Caesars' bidding
The wars they are winning with pride
But unfortunate diseases
Make someone sneak a Trojan™ Horse inside
Whoops, that's from our other movie
Called "The Hump-Back Of Naughty Dames"
( I'm only filming this one
'Cause WREN DOES ROME™'s too tame)
You can see Caligula un-dressing
A spitting image of John Holmes
He feeds his dogs Chopped Testicle Delight™
In: "Destination: Rome"

Young Hannibal, he's crossing mountains
Of him, Rome feels so afraid
And for sixteen years they fought him
(This parody's that long, in spades)
In Rome, defense contractors
Make blades to kill the hordes
(They're probably overcharging
Turning plowshares into swords)
We take no discount coupons and
Guards, near exits, roam
Don't you dare try sneaking
Into "Destination: Rome"

Hannibal, his guys are smuggling goods
Using elephants to hide junk
Crossing Alps, in lines they stood
('Cause Customs was searching trunks)
He waits there so nonchalantly stressful
(He'd quit smoking cigarettes)
He's afraid of sniffing drug dogs....
(When he does, the hounds start to sweat!)
What you will not read in his'try books
He had a nose job long ago
He won't soon again sniff old Rin Tin Tin
in "Destination: Rome"

Schlock and filth, we've got the girls
Caesar's too ugly to shtup
With girls he's lost all patience
(Too tiring to blow them up!)
Then bulimic loco boozers
Who discharge lots of gunk from their tums-
They drink lots of mead, and then they need
The Vomitoriums
They all spray up gin and gristle
You can see chunks blow
If you find a seat up close enough
At: "Destination: Rome"

Across the sea, Rome's hailed as heathens
(See Arabs crossing in their fleet)
Their leader they call Osama
(Who even now is not deceased)
They head for Constantinople
Where the Emperor is assured
By his C.I.A. with confidence
That Al-Queada has been deterred
And Osama's shouting at heathen girls
"Get outta here, you skanks go home!
'Cause my camel is all I am needing for breeding"
In "Destination: Rome"

At midnight come the Arabs
But the Gladiator, Crowe
Comes out and stabs most every one
Surviving few: "Git-mo' "
Their stories checked for discrepancies
With a truth telling machine
We now use lie detectors
Back then, the guillotine
Is borrowed from the Frenchies
With assurance, heads will roll
Come and see Bart and Homer laugh their heads off
In "Destination: Rome"

Flames and Nero's inept tunes
As Jon Lovitz watched the fire
With pants AND city burning
Sang and played 'The Liar'
With extra pounds, the pious idiot
Sits right there in Rome's Twin Towers
While the fire department and police
Work overtime for hours
From those hot ashes [that] Anthony
And Cleopatra roamed
Comes this movie where we charge too much
For it: "Destination: Rome"

[Fiddle Solo By Di Nero, although it was actually a lyre: the fiddle was not invented for another 1000 years]

Yes, we conceived the sequel yesteryear
(And those who heard the title choked)
The investors are all suing
The critics called us jokes
These reviews where we'll be mentioned
Yes, I know they'll be quite lame
Because they trashed "Circ de Maximus"
We'll just call it another name
As I head to casting call
(Sequel needs a big chested ho!)
Hint: blue dress, Bill nails her
In: Presidential Flow

[Fade as Robert Di Niro plays lyre solo , and then
John Lovitz, (as Nero), does "The Liar" routine, and then starts singing a parody of Billy Joel's "We didn't Start The Fire", the Nero version being "WE DIDN'T START ROME's FIRE"........(As Rome Burns In The Background)]




***PRESIDENTIAL FLOW, which was my first attempt at "Desolation Row, was first submitted in 2004 under a previous pen name, "Red Neck Mother"}