I wanna be a whiz at chess, so friggin' bad
Get checkmate in ten moves would be rad
Uh, I wanna make a real good use of my little queen
Mine gets killed in seconds usually

Oh, I've got panic in my eyes
When my opponent kills my knights
Don't matter if I'm black or white, oh I
I swear, my one wish, I confess
Is to be a whiz at chess

Yeah, got the basics down, quick learner, but I wanna master
The rooks and bishops, and those weird ka-niggits
Never takes long until my king is my last piece
Enemy's ranks are still full up, so I have to say "peace"
Try to move one of my dudes, but on his turn he zaps me
Checkmate in thirteen, sure is unlucky for me
You could call me a dunce, but I don't think that's so
What the hell, again I've lost, board I want to throw
Damn it, I wish the king wasn't so limited
Move one space, what a slow pace, a load of shit
Yeah, maybe it is me that's stupid
I just wanna know, is there a strategy to it

Oh, I wish the win could be mine
(Killed my queen, with his queen)
Instead I just lose ev'ry time (oh yeah)
(And that sucks)
I've got the hang of those dang knights, oh I
I swear, I still lose ev'ry set
Wish I was a whiz at chess
Oh oooh oh oooh wish I was a whiz at chess
Oh oooh oh oooh

I've been practicin' with my own chess set
Harry Potter tie-in set
It makes me feel better when indulgin' in my dorkiness
Should I move my bishop, or would that move be too reck-a-less
This is too much for me, bloody chess, prefer checkers to this
Yeah, seems to me that I cannot hack it
One more pawn onslaught, then I'll have to rage quit it
Though what really gets on my nerves is your grinnin' mug
Man, you are temptin' me to punch it so it won't look smug
Would you stop shaking your smug head at me?
It's not helpin' me choose
I can't select a damn piece
Whichever one that I pick, I'll get creamed
Not gonna quit it, you utter eejit
Gonna make you lose your king!

I wnna be a whiz at chess, so feckin' bad (so bad)
Stomp your ego right into the sand (you little git)
Uh, I'm gonna get my pawn 'cross the board, trade for a queen
Let's see you face two of them, or three (the game's over!)

Oh, I hate that look in your eyes
(What I see, what I see)
You're so damn sure you'll win this time (Oh yeah)
(But guess what?)
I have been practicin' all night, oh I
I swear, your king better prepare
Cause I'll be a whiz at chess!
Oh oooh oh oooh yeah, I'll be a whiz at chess
Oh oooh oh oooh

I wish I was a whiz at chess, so bloody bad