It'll stand a mangler or a shark
Pepperspray or clay
And when your uncle's breaking farts

The plastic casing's hard, might cause you scars
No repay, we say
For that as clumsy as you are

And if you hold it when it self-combusts
This here's a gag / no-selfie clause
We hope it's superfluous

If it's starting up when you've put it down
If lost in a flood, stuck up in your snout
You just waived, you approved
All the fineprint in our key Guarantee

Locked out and burned your thumb
When it's mixing pics to your bae and mum
We're not scared 'cos you see
We've this f*ck 'em policy Guarantee

Don't break the seal to all the stuff therein
Hellfire and rays they will graze
What will be left of your skin
Don't go sharing buds, you'll get hearing aids
And with bae one on one STAY EXTERIOR!
Ay, low as you can come

And if you get ebola from the crust
Remember gag / no-selfie clause
It's quite laborious

If it's making noise like a rabid clown
If it clogs your blood, shrink your member down
You have waived, you've approved
What our lawyers calls a "free" Guarantee

Blacked out when near a nun
That'll be pleasing both to your God and mum
We'll take care, for a wee
Extra triplet sixes fee Guarantee

Guaranteed!

For a final blow we've reserved the right
Set Comic Sans default each night

When this [PROPER NOUN] comes in two point oh
We will send you spam, gonna let you know
You have waived, you've approved
We've your signing in our hoofs

Guaranteed!

*Manic laughter drowns out the last chorus*