I've farted
If you've a sensitive disposition
I sincerely recommend that you
Vacate the near position
It might be fatal
And difficult to forgive
You shouldn't really need to use an
Aspirator just to live

Do you have any idea
Of the depths of pain and torment
That you're liable to endure
If it escapes its containment?
And then it's erupting
With an arsehole's thunderclap
Imbuing all creation
With a miasma of crap

And you'll be affected
Laid low by the cut of cheese
Exacerbated by the fetid scent of dysent'ry
That's given the freedom
Explosively unconfined
Expressing pungent stirrings
Out of some smelly behind

(I'm sorry) I've farted
It has a chemical composition
So don't take out a cigarette
If you do not want ignition

(because it is) flammable!
And it might just go kabloom!
Incinerating me
And you, and everyone in the room

So punters, take cover
Stick your head into your sleeve
Try to find a gas mask
If you want to live and breathe
And save us from big jobs
Expelled from underneath
Polluting the air,
Parting your hair
And even rattling your teeth

There’s an Arse-cancelled grunt
It's being held in so well
That's internal air management
To help us with the smell
But will it work, or will I bust
How long can I hold on?
Will it end with an explosion
And a fucking awful pong


I've farted!
And I've got one more admission:
We could sell it to Syria
As a chemical munition
Because it's lethal
And I've got a lot to give
We shouldn’t really have to
Put on aspirators just to live
We shouldn't really need breathing apparatus
Just to live, but we do!