I had a day off, wanted a beach view
Now ev'ryone's seen me on YouTube
And if you're one to point and laugh
Let's see you not panic when a crab grabs you

A lazy beach day, on the towel, I'd snooze
Coulda been so swell, a perfect day, it's true, yeah-eah
But something happened to destroy my mood
Hand managed to find a crustacean dude
Oh-oh, I really feel like a dipshit
A dope, how in the hell did I miss it?
Don't know, no small crab, double digits
But you'd react the same way if a crab grabbed you

Big claw on my thumb, the pain shot right through
Flung it around, it wouldn't come loose
But if you're one to mock all that
Let's see you not panic when a crab grabs you
Angry crab just wanted some finger food
Flailed in response, I looked like a doof
To find it funny, I get that
But I know you'd panic if a crab grabbed you

And when I thought I had got it off
It had just latched on to the other hand's thumb
Swapped around a couple times, it's sad
Grabbed onto toes, too, fell right on my ass
Oh-oh, so many sounds I emitted
I don't think that I know what that pitch is
Hope no dogs heard that and threw bitchfits
But I know that you'd match it if a crab grabbed you

Had to drive right off 'cause the whole beach knew
And so did all their followers too
This red face ain't a failed suntan
But I know you'd panic if a crab grabbed you
How did I not spot it? I don't know, dude
Sunglasses are dark, not that dark, true
If you're the sort to joke 'bout that
Let's see you not panic when a crab grabs you

I panicked a whole lot, said a few words I should not
Now my reputation, my whole reputation's made
I'm "Crab Man", I cannot escape dudes who just won't stop
"Why'd you act so crazy when a crab grabbed you, bro?"

Like I'm s'pposed to not scream at pain, my dude?
All zen when my thumb is turning blue?
Clenched like a vice feels pretty bad
So I know you'd panic if a crab grabbed you
Gonna take a lot of time 'fore the news
Moves on to some other poor luck dude
Who isn't a pure manly man
'Cause who wouldn't panic when a crab grabs you?