Step right up
We bring to you the finest entertainment
And I am pleased to be your humble servant
Accept our hospitality, indulge in abnormality

Step right up
We've something for Evertonians' enjoyment
I do this as a gift, not for employment
A season of insanity, and Martinez's inanity

Come see our goals, lots of goals
From Liverpool to London, it's a hell of a ride
Those goals, lots of goals
Lennon, Osman, a Koné hat trick
Tickets cheap, it's a lark
So come and get your arses down to Goodison Park
To see our lovely boys in blue playing before it gets dark
Come see the goals, goals, goals

Some of them are Champions' League level, as you see
And some are truly useless, I'm sure that you'll agree
The jury's out on Koné and his inconsistency
But you mustn't let them fool you, just one more rule

You shouldn't look Tim Howard too long in the eye
And if you breathe on Bryan Oviedo, he might die
This is a grand old team, and we've a steady supply
Grab another meat pie, and follow me

To see our goals, lots of goals
From Liverpool to London, it's a hell of a ride
Those goals, lots of goals
Kevin, Big Rom, a Koné hat trick
Tickets cheap, it's a lark
So come and get your arses down to Goodison Park
To see our lovely boys in blue playing before it gets dark
Come see the goals, goals, goals

Now, has anybody any clever questions for your guide?
For a penny more, go on and ask, we've nothing here to hide.

(I have a question.)
(I do, I would like to know...)

Quiet down! You, sir
It is my greatest fear that our best players won't stay here
They'll want Champions' League football, it's a scientific fact
Now we've gone out of the cup, will Lukaku's time be up?
Will Stones run off to Chelsea? Has he got a new contract?

We've scored as many as we have conceded
Well, that's how it feels with our shaky defence
There are some who think Martinez is a raging fucking loony
And opinion is divided on the subject of Wayne Rooney

I have a question (shoot!)
Will Steven Naismith be released?
I've heard that Norwich City have agreed his transfer fees?
Yes, Norwich paid £8 million, for the love of all that's holy
Now we've got Oumar Niasse, can we sign a brand new goalie?

Come see our goals, lots of goals
From Liverpool to London, it's a hell of a ride
Those goals, lots of goals
Cleverley, Coleman, a Koné hat trick
Tickets cheap, it's a lark
So come and get your arses down to Goodison Park
To see our lovely boys in blue playing before it gets dark
Come see the goals, goals, goals

Some are born blue
Some become fabric
Some have Everton thrust upon them
This is the real thing, my friends, guaranteed, 100% authentic exciting attacking football!
Accept no imitations.
For a little extra on the side, we can arrange
An audience with our lovely manager, wink wink
Phil Jagielka, Phil Jagielka, remember when he captained England?
We've got players from Argentina, Ireland, Côte d'Ivoire, the USA, Spain, and a nice pair of Belgians up front.

What goes on in Roberto's brain?
He's made some substitutions which are frankly quite insane
Is Howard in goal again?
If I were picking goalies, then I'd pick the one from Spain

The squad once had their eyes upon the League Cup
Since 1995, we've won fuck all
But in Leg 2 against Man City, it really wasn't pretty
Too easily did we lose possession of the ball

They won't bite - well, Barry might
I say, Muhamed Besic does look hungry tonight
So get your picture with a player
(Not McGeady, 'cos he's shite)

The crowd's gone wild, sir
Protect your child, sir

They don't recall the taste of freedom
Lukaku's just happy when Del feeds him

So come and cheer on our blue boys
Try not to think about David Moyes
It's a shame our defence is full of holes
You're welcome to enjoy

Come see our goals, lots of goals
From Liverpool to London, it's a hell of a ride
Those goals, lots of goals
Geri, Mori, a Koné hat trick
Tickets cheap, it's a lark
So come and get your arses down to Goodison Park
To see our lovely boys in blue playing before it gets dark

I've got a lot more words to say, now here comes Ross Bark-ley
We may not be glamorous and we may not be cool
But we were the first football team
To play in Liverpool
Sometimes we're exhilarating,
Sometimes we're infuriating,
Clattenburg officiating,
All these draws are so frustrating,
Howard is excruciating,
Kevin on the bench awaiting,
Barry got caught spifflicating,
Leighton Baines recuperating,
Tactics sometimes complicating,
Tom Cleverley underrating,
Wigan players immigrating,
Barkley rumours speculating,
Liverpool, we're always hating,
Penalty shoot-outs nauseating,
Defensive errors enervating,
Get your money out, we're waiting

To see those
Goals!
Goals!
Goals!