She thought that Fiddler on the Roof was bland
And she fell asleep in The Music Man
Signatures are written on her book of Peter Pan
By the pirates who starred in Penzance...
We went to Beauty & The Beast, she was dressed as Jafar
She wore a Book of Mormon tee to see Jesus Christ Superstar
Wonders why Belle wasn’t seen, in Hunchback of Notre Dame
Or why no Hair or Hairspray songs were in Legally Blonde
She’s seen Fame in every theatre - “Webber and Nunn!”
“Isn’t Annie the show prequel for Annie getting her shotgun?”
Cats was a yawn
Lion King was a bore
Brad and Janet confused her, no Shop with plants?
You know she loves Bette Midler in Once and Rent
And the Dutch accents when she sees West End
Mispronounces Miserables and Cabaret in French
Her phone is off ringing again…
She’s a pretty ditzy Broadway Girl
Yeah, my glitter-witted Broadway Girl
“A?”
She hadn’t learnt enough alphabet for Avenue Q
She needed stitches jumping off the roof like Elphaba’s broom
When auditions are called, she’ll glue some taps to her shoes
But can’t tie up the laces… she’s always Footloose
She brought in burgers to Jersey Boys… beef was the meat
Her rosella never learnt How To Suck Seed with a tweet
Thinks that Sweeney won Monopoly, as Fleet was the Street
And claims the marquee sign should read The King and The Me
You know she bought me tickets to see Miss Saigon
“It’s in Off-Off-Off-Broadway, Vietnam!”
Oklahoma! Hello, Dolly! Oliver! and Honk!
Are screamed out like a giant horn
My ditzy little Broadway Girl
Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-tee, Broadway Girl
Why are the dancers Fussy? Broadway girl
Her life is full of Follies, Broadway girl
She clambered onstage to try out for A Chorus Line
“8 and a ½ is the film? Why call the stage show Nine?”
Big hopes for this new bloke, Stephen Sondheim
But the lyrical songs from Hamilton need more rhymes
She thought Fun Home had a ballpit and slide
“Why so many Latinos in the Broadway cast of West Side?”
I swear I’m gonna throw her from the top of The Heights
For a lover of stars, she is not that bright
She waltzed Matilda as she waved jazz hands
Oh, Adele Dazeem, she’s your biggest fan
Couldn’t name the Heathers so I took her off to Cannes
Said “Maybe let’s give films a chance.”
You’re awful as a Broadway Girl
Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyai, Broadway Girl
Give cinema a try, my Broadway Girl
When I sit with you it just makes me hurl