The CBS Evening News used to be the nation's most trusted
when I was young.
Then Walter Cronkite foolishly left, leaving it in the hands
of Dan Rather.
That liberal then dared use his power
to discredit George W. Bush.
CBS didn't hesitate to fire him,
but that's not the entire story.
My entire reputation I'd worked for
had been erased in a single stroke.
For you see the show that I worked for
produced the forged documents.
But then they moved me from 60 Minutes II,
to the original series, my childhood dream.
Now I've been assigned to revive a dying Evening News,
ruined by the guy who threatened my career.
They're paying me a hefty salary,
to replace an uber sexy shawty!
Nonetheless,
I don't think I'm overly naïve when I tell you,
I believe,
that Evening News can and will become #1 again,
because I believe,
that the half hour format has and will survive,
and I also believe,
that the audience is sick to death of so called cable news!
I am Scott Pelley,
and you will learn to turn to me
and the rest of our correspondents
who appear regularly each night,
on the national news of record,
or at least that's what it used to be called,
in the days of Douglas Edwards and Cronkite.
Back when tv journalism had a niche,
and it you couldn't possibly confuse it with the tabloids.
I'll try to change it so you will learn to trust me,
as opposed to,
the Tea Partiers at Fox and Messiah worshippers
at MSNBC,
that Diane Sawyer belongs back on GMA with Robin Roberts,
instead of anchoring World News,
and that Brian Williams is inferior to Nightly's weekend anchor!
I'm ready for my close up!
Oh who am I kidding!
Hope I don't f*** this up!
The ratings have been tabulated and reported by Nielsen.
We're still last but showed growth week to week and year to year!
It's a small improvement over the Couric era,
but I'll take it, it's a start!
And our director said we just finished an errorless take!
I've never,
felt so good about myself in all my life!
Oh what a thrill,
to have read the prompter perfectly,
and our correspondents,
finished their assignments on time and remembered their copy.
But perhaps the best news
is we experienced no technical difficulties!
I knew all along we could have success,
working together as a team.
If only the general public could understand
the sacrifices we make to deliver the news.
With our first broadcast completed and sent to air,
I can finally feel at ease
if only for a moment,
then we all must prepare for the next episode!
But if we
commit ourselves to pure journalism
and nix the fluff,
that dominated the news of our predecessors,
then we will indeed,
leapfrog two major evening news programs to reach the #1 ranking we deserve!
It will take many nights like this one,
to climb out of a hole that was dug
by first a radical liberal,
then a media whore!
Thank the lord she's gone!
It's such a great relief!
No more Katie C!
Go bother TMZ!