An Audi car an’ porcupine; not the same I cried
For on a porcupine I saw the pricks on the outside

There is a food I came across that cut my woman’s lust
Now the weddin’ cake is eaten, for the nookie, she’s not fussed

An’ now, an Irish pal has a daughter in the club
Heard him say, “It better be hers”, while we’re drinkin’ in the pub

*****

My Russian doll’s a useless thing; it sits here on the shelf
I hate it with a passion: it’s so full of itself

My ma has missed the irony of what she said t’ me
An’ I think she may be stupid, coz it was an s.o.b.

Now, “What is makin’ love?”, said my lovey-dovey lass
Said, “I think it’s what you’re doin’ while I’m busy gettin’ ass”

*****

All nappies that’ve had their use, and a Congress chap
Have a common link between them all, an’ it’s they’re full o’ crap

I wonder, what’s the difference between a dog an’ fox
It’s fifteen pints o’ Guinness an’ a whiskey on the rocks

I hope to go like pa, he died sleepin’, with no fuss
But I’d hate to perish yellin’, like the people in his bus

*****

Well, I’m at a buddy’s residence; he has a broken knee
He says, “I need my slippers, man, so go get them for me”

I climb the stairs to find them; his daughters are in view
I say, “Your dad has sent me here to shag the pair o’ you”

They say, “You lyin’ bum, there is no way that is true”
So I tell his lovely daughters, “What he said, I’ll prove t’ you”

I shout, “D’ya mean ‘em both?”, to my pal, to get my fun
“Well, of course”, they hear him sayin’, “What's the use o’ havin' one?”