WHY IS IT LIKE THIS ON THE FOURTH!?

Put on sunscreen, Uncle Gus…
Or your skin peels!
Vic, please don’t run; Vic, don’t push Neil
You’ll get a spanking! Heel!
Matt’s in front yard, catching crickets
Ann, get off the computer!
Furthest thing from a vacation…
On this special day for America!
La la la la la la la la la

Grandma Margie’s coming! Everybody, try to act real nice!
Please just try her dessert, even if it smells ripe!

Cousins fighting: Trump or Hill’ry
Please don’t throw things in the house!
Bradley’s playing XBox,
Steve’s got homemade canons!
Lights the wick with tears of joy,
Screaming, “FREEDOM!”
Red, white, blue things all around
Celebrate the birth of America!
La la la la la la la la la

Everybody, keep calm…let’s all have a real good time.
But here’s Grandpa Kevin, plastered on his moonshine.
Everybody, let’s enjoy the party…have a real good time.
Mama’s homemade bean dip…spoiling in the sunshine.

“Get lost! You loser Mike!
You took the last of the suntan lotion!”
“Back off! This country’s shite!”
“You crashed my truck, you tool!
Right into the pool!
You were drunk, weren’t you!?”

“PLEASE DON’T RUN OR SLAM THE DOOR!”
“TRUMP DON’T CARE ABOUT THE POOR!”
“PASTA SALAD’S GETTING WARM!”
“THERE’S A WHOLE MOSQUITO SWARM!”
“YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S A LYING WHORE!”
“OUT OF BEER, LET’S GO GET MORE!”
“WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN ON THE FOURTH!?!”

Roman candles firing near me
Lighting sparklers in the house
Who gave those kids fireworks!?
You’re burning the curtains!
Hector bathed in tanning oil,
Crying, “BURNING!”
He laid too long in the sun
This day in July’s for America!
La la la la la la la la la

Everybody fell into the water, no one here is dry
Dog’s humping the yard gnome, staring into our eyes
Grandma Margie’s making out with Artie, glad there’s no blood line!
Summer heat is killer, no one’s having fun…

“WHERE’S THE BIG KABOOM!?
FIREWORK KABOOM!!”

“SUE DON’T EAT THAT OFF THE FLOOR!”
“PLEASE NO FIREWORKS INDOORS!”
“PLEASE JUMP OFF THE DIVING BOARD…
NOT WINDOW ON SECOND FLOOR!”
“NO MORE BURGERS, YOU’VE HAD FOUR!”
“EVERY YEAR ON JULY FOURTH!!!”

Why, must, we celebrate the Fourth?
Next, year, I am moving up North
Who, am, I kidding? No I won’t.
I’ll see you all next Fourth
I’ll see you all next Fourth