The crown will be on me? Can it not?
I don't want it, dude, I don't want it, dude, I don't want it, dude, not a jerk
First, I thought "Responsibilities? Yeesh!"
But it's worse, so much worse, so much worse than I thought, mate

In history books, I find lots of stories 'bout vengeance and harm
Never a nice emperor, bit of a cause for alarm
Oh Lord, lookin' at the sad statistics turns me off
Afraid I got no choice, I'm forced to take the mantle on, oh-oh

When it's just one man at the top, there's a lot
Of pressure to be a real enforcer (oh-oh)
With a wave of your hand, the troops will head off
And crush the rebels at all the borders (oh-oh)
If that's what you want, which I do not
Think that's sick, can't say I don't wanna (oh-oh)
The council will hate ya, don't want some kinda weakling reformer

Ev'ryone expects one type of ruler, can't differ from the norm
And be a nice emperor, be approachable and warm
Oh Lord, they'll think that that's a batshit oxymoron
It won't fly to act way less awful than the people want, oh-oh

I say "people", but just let me flesh out
Don't mean citizens, I'm sure if you checked out (oh-oh)
What they all thought about this, they'd all yell out
A whole lot of epithets, some I couldn't spell out (oh-oh)
And if elections were a thing, they'd head out
Landslide a decision to make my ass get out (oh-oh)
I'd be fine cause, you see, I need a good excuse to step out

The government folks that I'll soon be leadin' are kinda assholes
Don't want a nice emperor, won't let the peasants revolt
Oh Lord, wish I could have 'em banished once that crown's on
Hands are tied, tryna find a loophole, that should piss 'em off, oh-oh

I know that they hate me now
Both the council and the citizens, 'fraid it's so (oh-oh)
Name a film or play you know
Bad guys are the empire always, no joke (oh-oh)
And that won't change for now
Ingrained in most cultures, their brains just know (oh-oh)
Democracy's the way to go, democracy's the way to go

Another reason that I'm filled with thoughts about runnin' right off
Because "a nice emperor" ain't on the books, real or not
Oh Lord, always sendin' assassins to bump foes off
Boy, do I wanna never do that, I won't scheme or plot, oh-oh

Seems there's no damn escapin' my seat
Got no siblin's, you see, so there is no other (oh-oh)
I'm forced to park it right here
Must conquer my fears that I'll be another (oh-oh)
Monster lord who'll raze ev'ry single town
Usin' ev'ry single means I've got in my budget (oh-oh)
And if there's no food for my world, that's somehow not my problem

Wish I wasn't first in line for the role of "Dude upon the throne"
"You'll be a fine emperor" they tell me each time I groan
Oh Lord, pretty sure they mean "puppet that we'll control"
I'd be nice if I didn't think those guys would rig the polls, oh-oh

Time to make a plan to force out these douchelords?
'Fraid I don't, cause the day is upon us (oh-oh)
Got no speeches to master, moves to pull off
Just sittin' on my ass, not much solace (oh-oh)
No chance to run off cause there's a throng
Of huge guards who will shish kebab ya (oh-oh)
Behind curtain waitin' for the reveal of me, trust me, that sucks

Didn't tell you that I'm nine, yes, you heard me right, just nine years old
Who could trust my "emperor's decree"'s? Yet to drop my balls
Oh Lord, this whole country is batshit, I tell you what
But once I get through puberty, I'll study law a lot, oh-oh

Oh-oh
Oh-oh (oh-oh)
Oh-oh (oh-oh)