I'm the ghost of Sam Waldon, I'm elated that you came
We've had the walls repainted, new associates were trained
Shopping should be a breeze--feel like you'll fall apart?
You should see the folks who work here...

Welcome to Fake Wal-Mart!

The sales prices are excellent! That's one thing you can't ignore.
Five-fifty for a CD of Ray Conniff's "Hits & More!"

Please don't lift that box, let me put it in a cart
You've got some cash to spend? Well, haul ass to Fake Wal-Mart!

We got all the T-shirt styles real rad, or do you need some saws?
Perhaps you need spackle and grout--or 36D bras?

You want an MP3 player that's guaranteed to start?
My dear,
We won't screw you here, can't fake it
We won't fake it
Here at Fake Wal-Mart!

(Instrumental interlude with complex choreography involving shopping carts and hand-held price scanners)

Yes, we are all in good intention, in our fetching vests of blue
In Asia, each worker earns much less than you

(as the chorus members sing, "Ahhh! Ahhhh!" here, 50 Chinese dancers dressed in rags gaily dance in the center of the stage/set, pretending to embroider swatches of fabric...)

Yes, Asia's very dear to us, they're so full of heart
'Cause we're all so gosh darn happy working here at Fake Wal-Mart!

Cashiers! Associates! Greeters! Janitors!
YOU'VE COME TO FAKE WAL-MART!!!!

(...at the climax of the music, the dancers group together to form a line and reveal their swatches with the words, "GOD BLESS THE U.S.A.")