Think that I've seen it all in retail but I know
If I speak those words loud then fate will play a joke
For a little example, I think you should know
'Bout a small piece of madness that somehow keeps happenin', geez
Get a bloke who's demandin' to know
If the implements we sell are quality, though
Even if we say so, won't believe us, hell no
And the way that he solves it just makes further problems, it's mad
We'll let folks test vacuum cleaners and such, so
It makes one look crazy to slice your hand up, bro

There is no reason to sever
The closest vein or perhaps an artery
Whichever to check on whether
"The sharpest knives" is a perfect guarantee
These twits would set themselves on fire
To check if a lighter works, a sight to see
I would freak out but I'm just tired
Of all the dumbasses making themselves bleed

"Aah! Ew! Huh-whoa! Whoa! Ugh!"

Get you want your knives sharp but if one wants to know
Can confirm without stabbing yourself like a dope
In fact, it's pretty easy: just give us the cash
Take it back home, go mad on your broccoli and artichokes
And if it's shit, there's a refund process, bro
And one full of holes, we don't check the facts, 'fraid so

The point is: please do not sever
Any blood vessel 'cause then I'll have to clean
The mess you left, doubt I'll ever
Think "sharpest knives" without shuddering, you see
Though with how often I get mired
With lemon-seltzer-type aftermaths, it seems
That my emotions are just "tired"
I'm getting used to the testing type that bleeds, wow

Times this should happen is "never"
These people push through the pain and blood to see
If what we sell will deliver
On "sharpest knives", they're meant for veg, cheese and meat
Not for your damn self, hence my ire
Don't even joke-advertise that like a freak
Common occurrence, I'm so tired
Yes, it was twice, that's still two too many, please

Hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
Whoa-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
Whoa-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
Whoa-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-oh-oh-ho-oh-ho