When I was a baby
My eyesight was twenty-twenty
It seemed my head was all right
Since then, something weird occurred
My vision's now completely blurred
My doctor said, yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look into my eyes
And try to make it snappy now? Ooh
Got these gizmos on my face
Like a cranium brace
I'm unhappy now, so unhappy now

It was all that I could do
To pick between slides one and two
And plus my chair was faulty, yeah
He said, glasses would do the trick
With lenses seven inches thick
And now I'm scared, yeah, yeah, yeah

He's just checking out my eyes
And tells me I'm nearsighted, now, ooh
It's not easy to feel smart
While reading off a chart
This is biting, now, ooh
Such a schism, now; stigmatism, now
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Doesn't wear a coat, doesn't have a nurse
Dilates my pupils, vision just gets worse
Maybe he's just some kind of quack, yeah

Putting glasses on my eyes
I tell him I feel scrappy, now, yeah
Does he really think I'm psyched
About looking more like
My grandpappy, now? Yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eyes?
Are there contacts I could buy?
'Cause my dumb optometrist
Is making me so pissed
It's a crappy thing, ooh
I can't see a thing