Merry Christmas Everybody!

Well, this heart-felt story's all about myself
So, I'm gonna hit it and go mall walking
Came across a man in the middle of Toy-land
With a big bright beard and a twinkling tree

An elf with cleft ears sat on toy sack
I said, "He's compact, just kept on gawking"
And the white beard man quick, "Looked at me"
He said "Here's a lil candy, sit up on my knee"

Then he laughed, "Ho, ho, ho, ho-ho-ho"
And said, "So, so, what would you like from me?
Ho, ho, ho, ho-ho-ho"
And said, "I'm Santa Claus, you see"

But my butt had a problem, haven't gone for hours
Could not stop it, let out a fart or two
Then I cut big cheese and the both of knew it
Bet I ain't getting squat for at least five years

So, I took off like an Ace with discolored underwear
Said, "Bye-bye beard man, where's the lavatory?"
No, I won't go back and I bet he's happy
Go, "When you gotta that's my great philosophy!"

I have to go, go, go, go, go, go, I say
No, no, I can't hold it in me
Don't know, know, know, know, know, and I
Won't know, if stalls open, we'll see

Love me number three.

I said "No, no, no, no, oh, oh, oh, oh
Gotta go number three
No, mo', ho, ho's, oh, no, oh, no
Gonna be chocolate"

Lights go out and can barely see
I can't quite get there and I go all over me!
Lights go out and woe is me
I can't quite get there, what a Christmas memory!