Part I: The Legend of Zelda (The Death of St. Jimmy)

My hearts are shrinking slowly.
I'm standing all alone.
Please send me a fairy,
so I can restore my bones.
Waste another red potion.
Then a green and blue.
These help me now to live.

In the streets he plays,
his Ocarina in the rain.
He's the last true hope,
of Hyrule which now dangles from a rope.
There's a glow of light.
Link grabs his sword and then joins in the fight.
He is true and just,
and Zelda's the object of his lust.

Hyrule's filled with pain.
Ganon's gone completely insane.
Does he kill too much?
Do you think that what he needs is a hug?

Death Mountain's aflame.
Link comes and dispells without any shame.
Volvagia messed up and perished in flames.
So all the Gorons are spouting their thanks.

Zelda's gone today.
Ganon grabbed her and took her away.
Though it's Su-i-cide,
Link now goes off to save her hide.



Part II: Super Mario Bros. (East 12th St.)

Now jump through the air.
Now jump through the air.
The feather is there,
So fly through the air.
(Repeat)

Plumbers climbing in through the pipes now,
Into the land called Mushroom Kingdom.
They're all dancing and having fun now.
Peach is in her own world,
and so's Luigi.
They'd rather be doing something else now.
Like Go-Kart Racing, Tennis, and seven parties.
Bowser's not fine with their happiness now,
so he kidnaps Peach and leaves her screaming:

"Somebody get me out of here."
"Bowser is filling me with fear."
Mario get me out of here."
"I think I need a new career."

They're all the same.
Mario's games.
Gotta save the princess now.
She would've stayed free.
But she's just too ditzy.
So Bowser's got her captured now.

This marketing scheme's not for me.



Part III: Metroid (Nobody Likes You)

My plasma beam is shooting at Ridley.
After ten shots of ammo and he's still not dead.
Ridley's tail is long,
and it's got sharp prongs;
And I can't take much more 'cuz my suit has tears.
I'm here on my own,
and I should have stayed home.
After ten brutal lashes I'm thinking:

(Where's the plot?)
Metroids don't like you.
They stick just like glue.
When they latch onto you,
use your gun.
(Where's the plot?)
Metroids are on you,
turning your face blue.
Oh no! What's there to do?
Use your gun.
Where's the plot...plot...plot...plot?



Part IV: Star Fox (Rock n' Roll Girlfriend)

Jeez!
I've got a merry old band.
Bounty Hunting's my life.
I've got an Ar-Wing that's b****in',
and it really can fly.
Andross then takes us on.
Star Wolf hasn't got game.
So then we blow them all up.
So they won't get very far.
I've got a ship on my tail.
All of my comerades have failed.
So I just press the eject pod over my right shoulder:
and shoot out into space.
Out into space.
Out into space.



Part V: Donkey Kong (We're Coming Home Again)

Here they come swinging through the trees.
Donkey Kong and his little side-kick Diddy.
They want back their bananas stolen from underneath their feet.
The crocs invade and the jungle's scared.
Nobody ever said K.Rool was fair now.
He'll guard the treasure. His guns he will bear.
Yeah, he's packing heat.
The barrel's spinning round and round,
out of control again.
The Kremlings are getting close to bringing the Kongs down.
So send K.Rool a barrel-bomb,
and then send him to Hell.
Grab the prize, then swing:

Home!
We're swinging home again.
(Repeat)
I stopped playing the game as soon as my thumbs went numb.
I now have no energy to go out and kick a football so I'm...

Home!
Playing my game again!
(Repeat 7x)

Your friends don't like you.
Your butt's turning blue.
Nintendo now rules you,
and your fun!