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Song Parodies -> "Clueless Clients"
Original Song Title:
"Lovely Ladies"
Original Performer:
from "Les Miserables"
Parody Song Title:
"Clueless Clients"
Parody Written by:
Glynn Leaney
The Lyrics
"The Unfortunates" is a total re-write of "Les Miserables" - an up-to-date comedy. This song is set in the investment arm of a bank.
CLUELESS CLIENTS
Staff
I sense clients
Sense them everywhere.
Think I’ll get my specialist
To see them over there.
Clueless clients
Tell ‘em every time;
Seven days a week
And they will give you every dime.
Rich and poor, well isn’t it a crime!
Advisers
Clueless clients
Waiting for advice;
Waiting for consultants
Who they think are very nice.
Clueless clients
Waiting to be heard
Back at home or in a bank
They wait to hear the word.
Don’t they know we think them all absurd!
Experienced Adviser
Come in, my dear
Let me see how much cash you have.
This current account…
Annie
You can invest it for me…
Experienced Adviser
My fee is four percent.
Annie
That seems much too much to me.
Experienced Adviser
I’ll make it three and a half. My final word. It’s up to you.
Annie
I think it’s high.
Experienced Adviser
Take it or no.
Annie
Please make it two.
Experienced Adviser
Your last chance now
Ol’ dear, I need to take my cut!
Advisers
Clueless clients
Waiting to be fleeced.
Never even thinking
That they’re dealing with a beast.
Long term, short term
Any term at all,
Charge a little extra if they don’t want it to fall!
Keep it simple, tell ‘em that you’ll call!
Stockbroker
Pull up a chair.
What petty stocks you got there.
Lucky you came, the time is right to sell.
I’ll sell the lot.
Winifred
Don’t rush me, I need some time.
Stockbroker
Let’s do a deal, my commission is 5%
How about that!
Winifred
It gives me cash.
Stockbroker
How about that!
Winifred
I have no choice. It gives me cash
5% is daylight robbery to me!
Advisers
Clueless clients!
Meet ‘em on the street.
Chat ‘em up in minutes flat
And knock ‘em off their feet.
Clueless clients
Thinking that they’re poor;
Hoping that with good advice
They’ll make a little more.
Take their money
Then show them the door!
Clients
Clueless clients
Clueless to the core
Clueless clients
Clueless by the score
Clueless clients
Clueless all the more
We are clueless, clueless clients
Clueless clients
Need we say more?
Adviser’s Assistant
What’s this about, who’s this poor sucker here?
Assistant 1
One who’s put out, she’s the one sold her stocks.
Assistant 2
She helps her old mum in a care home.
Adviser’s Assistant
I could have guessed
Always someone else.
Clueless client, why not try again now!
Clueless client!
Assistants
Come dear lady, haven’t got a dime?
Maybe you’ll be better off next time
Markets crashed and investments took a fall
I suppose you’ve gone and lost it all!
(Annie goes off with another adviser)
Sleep tight lovely, now you’ve nothing left
Sleep tight lovely, call it downright theft!
All advisers, never ever sure
Cynical and clinical, they’re always after more.
Nifty, shifty, leading all astray
Even though you fob them off they never go away,
Taking all your money every day!
Clueless clients
Trying to get rich quick
Answering cold callers
Which is really pretty thick!
Annie
OK, expert
Come and do your worst
Are you any better
Than the one I saw at first.
Take my money
Put it in a trust.
Might as well invest what’s left
Before it gathers dust.
They all know they’re ripping off
Poor me, already bust!
Staff
I sense clients
Sense them everywhere.
Think I’ll get my specialist
To see them over there.
Clueless clients
Tell ‘em every time;
Seven days a week
And they will give you every dime.
Rich and poor, well isn’t it a crime!
Advisers
Clueless clients
Waiting for advice;
Waiting for consultants
Who they think are very nice.
Clueless clients
Waiting to be heard
Back at home or in a bank
They wait to hear the word.
Don’t they know we think them all absurd!
Experienced Adviser
Come in, my dear
Let me see how much cash you have.
This current account…
Annie
You can invest it for me…
Experienced Adviser
My fee is four percent.
Annie
That seems much too much to me.
Experienced Adviser
I’ll make it three and a half. My final word. It’s up to you.
Annie
I think it’s high.
Experienced Adviser
Take it or no.
Annie
Please make it two.
Experienced Adviser
Your last chance now
Ol’ dear, I need to take my cut!
Advisers
Clueless clients
Waiting to be fleeced.
Never even thinking
That they’re dealing with a beast.
Long term, short term
Any term at all,
Charge a little extra if they don’t want it to fall!
Keep it simple, tell ‘em that you’ll call!
Stockbroker
Pull up a chair.
What petty stocks you got there.
Lucky you came, the time is right to sell.
I’ll sell the lot.
Winifred
Don’t rush me, I need some time.
Stockbroker
Let’s do a deal, my commission is 5%
How about that!
Winifred
It gives me cash.
Stockbroker
How about that!
Winifred
I have no choice. It gives me cash
5% is daylight robbery to me!
Advisers
Clueless clients!
Meet ‘em on the street.
Chat ‘em up in minutes flat
And knock ‘em off their feet.
Clueless clients
Thinking that they’re poor;
Hoping that with good advice
They’ll make a little more.
Take their money
Then show them the door!
Clients
Clueless clients
Clueless to the core
Clueless clients
Clueless by the score
Clueless clients
Clueless all the more
We are clueless, clueless clients
Clueless clients
Need we say more?
Adviser’s Assistant
What’s this about, who’s this poor sucker here?
Assistant 1
One who’s put out, she’s the one sold her stocks.
Assistant 2
She helps her old mum in a care home.
Adviser’s Assistant
I could have guessed
Always someone else.
Clueless client, why not try again now!
Clueless client!
Assistants
Come dear lady, haven’t got a dime?
Maybe you’ll be better off next time
Markets crashed and investments took a fall
I suppose you’ve gone and lost it all!
(Annie goes off with another adviser)
Sleep tight lovely, now you’ve nothing left
Sleep tight lovely, call it downright theft!
All advisers, never ever sure
Cynical and clinical, they’re always after more.
Nifty, shifty, leading all astray
Even though you fob them off they never go away,
Taking all your money every day!
Clueless clients
Trying to get rich quick
Answering cold callers
Which is really pretty thick!
Annie
OK, expert
Come and do your worst
Are you any better
Than the one I saw at first.
Take my money
Put it in a trust.
Might as well invest what’s left
Before it gathers dust.
They all know they’re ripping off
Poor me, already bust!
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"The Unfortunates" is a pretty good translation for "Les Miserables". This is a good series, using some of the lesser parodied songs from this great musical. You have moved the story into the common frauds and causes of poverty in our time. I look forward to the next song in this musical.
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