Dan:
Hey there, my old friend, time's gone by-y, I
Know that I haven't called
But I can't do thi-is over the phone
Not personal at all
Sure, a letter ai-ain't much better in that way
Still keeps the awkwardne-ess small
Hope we ca-an catch up real soon-ish, man
Real soon-ish, ma-a-an
Hey there, my old friend, time's gone by-y, I
Know that I haven't called
But I can't do thi-is over the phone
Not personal at all
Sure, a letter ai-ain't much better in that way
Still keeps the awkwardne-ess small
Hope we ca-an catch up real soon-ish, man
Real soon-ish, ma-a-an

Hey Jim, I know you think that mail is awkward
Cause the delay tends to be way too damn long way too often
And that's assumin' that you got 'em, that's always a problem
Gen'rally that's a problem with the post office, it's bollocks
Never updatin' addresses, a sloppy ship they're runnin'
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man? How's your father?
Last time you said he's too damn old to be an author
But I think that's nonsense, if that's what he wants to do, you shouldn't stop him
Could write down as he dictates thoughts, have you thought of it?
You're smart, my friend, more important things for you to be stoppin'
Like all those leaks inside your bathroom, mate, cause you don't want that crap
Sprayed on you while you're tryna shower, do you lack the cash
To get a good-ish brand of plumber? Who cares if they're fat
And when they lean over, you can see right down their buttcrack?
Keep your eyes off of their buttocks and get that crap sorted fast
Truly yours, your best mate, Dan, see ya, man

Hey there, my old friend, time's gone by-y, I
Know that I haven't called
But I can't do thi-is over the phone
Not personal at all
Sure, a letter ai-ain't much better in that way
Still keeps the awkwardne-ess small
Hope we ca-an catch up real soon-ish, man
Real soon-ish, ma-a-an

Hey Jim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you get the chance
I ain't mad, cause it would be fucked up if I got real mad
Cause I know that writin' me can't be the top of your to-do list, dude
And a consequence of the fact that I miss you
I'm a little behind, man, of how your life unfolds
So maybe your dad's book has gone to sell, like, ten million copies, I don't know
Makes me feel shitty, man, used to be fuckin' tight, dude
But I don't mean to slight you, man, the fault has to be mine, true
Still, I'm not mad, no, that it took a while to find you
You don't put your address on Facebook, but that's why I like you
Brain's alright, man, you know weirdos would find a way
To be a total random creeper, shit in your mailbox, please don't think I'm a seether
I can relate to why you seemingly cut off
A way to talk to your best mate, cause I'm afraid that I can't stop
Talkin' too much, so it can't help that I got help, found your address
Must know about that tattoo that you swore that you would get (my ma-a-an)
A pair of snakes around your arms and on your chest they meet
Teasin' your nipples with their tongues because you always were a freak
And that's in a nice way, for real, that is exactly how I meant it
I'm not just ramblin' cause I'm distracted by thoughts of you nekkid
I really hope you get these notes soon, Jim, it would suck
Cause I wanna self-invite me over, this is the set-up
You gotta write me back, 'twil be awkward as crap for me and you
Sincerely yours, Dan, P.S. You still have my poster, dude?

Hey there, my old friend, time's gone by-y, I
Know that I haven't called
But I can't do thi-is over the phone
Not personal at all
Sure, a letter ai-ain't much better in that way
Still keeps the awkwardne-ess small
Hope we ca-an catch up real soon-ish, man
Real soon-ish, ma-a-an

Hey Mister Wantin'-A-Restrainin'-Order Man
This might be the last message for a while, holy crap
I watch my mailbox like a bird of prey, 'twas worth it
Because one of my non-spam letters said (I'm gonna paraphrase the wordin'):
"Congratulations, you just won an all-expenses-paid trip
To Disneyland!" Just, wow, been runnin' round in circles all day
So Jim, I gotta say I'm sorry for sendin' your hide
About ten tons of weird letters beggin' you to just write
Because now I am gonna be on a long flight next mornin'
I've never been to the US, let alone California
Can't read your messages, don't care if they all end up borin'
They're from you, mate, know how to spin a story, my old buddy
So if you get the time, forget the letter, make a call
Cause even though I'm gonna have the biggest friggin' ball
I love you, Jim, I'll drop the souvenirs if my phone's buzzin'
I might have to shout, cause, you know, Disneyland is really flooded
It's full of freaks, small children and geeks just like me, it's stuffy
But I don't care, I'll scream for you so you'll hear me, your buddy
So Jim [*squeeing*], just a tic, I'm nearly done
Hey Jim, that's my girlfriend off her friggin' nut
She's always wanted to go to Disneyland, such a lucky thing, dude
That that sweet letter came with two tickets, gotta take my boo
Well, gotta go, got lots of stuff to pack now
Oh shit, I forgot, it'll be two weeks we'll be out

Jim:
Hey there, my old friend, time's gone by-y, I
Know that I haven't called
But I can't do thi-is over the phone
Not personal at all
Sure, a letter ai-ain't much better in that way
Still keeps the awkwardne-ess small
Hope we ca-an catch up real soon-ish, man
Real soon-ish, ma-a-an

Dear Dan, I meant to write you sooner, but I just been busy
Can hear your girlfriend's happy sounds, you can't forget that squee
Look, I'm really honoured that you care about my dad
And here's some photographs of my tattoo, it came out friggin' perfect, man
I'm sorry I tend to let those plumbers go, not cause they're fat, dude
It's just their work is shit and plus they hit on my wife, that's true
And all this shit about your efforts to get my address, dude?
I'm all prepared to wave that off, c'mon, I also miss you
You're not a stalker, man, I find it all empowerin'
Never give up, you power through, so in this mail, I'm drownin'
Why would you think that our connection would be severed?
The time that that would happen I'm pretty sure would be never
I'm really glad you and your girlfriend treat each other
Because I think you really need that tether
Just know that when you read this letter when you come back from your awesome time
At friggin' Disneyland (I'm so damn jealous, keep that in mind)
You should calm down a little, I know that you miss me so, but Dan
Please don't go all mad, may say you're not mad, but I do notice subtext, man
I'm so glad that you don't do such crazy shit
I heard this one song on Youtube a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude just loved his fave rap star, went round the twist
Tied up his girlfriend and drove off a friggin' bridge with her, it's sick
But I know you won't do that, mate, I can see your Facebook photos, dude
You're always mad smilin' and I know...that it's true
Man