My tent has holes I can’t stay dry
With all this rain that falls
The camp councilors get a nice cabin
With cable they installed
On a piece of wood I planned my escape
But forgot about that wall
So I’ll write you, Muddah I can’t last
I just can’t last!

My cot’s a home to angry mice
I hear them squeak and crawl
Camp Crystal Lake would be vacation
Compared to where we’re hauled
I used fifteen cans of this damn bug spray
But mosquitoes will not stall
So I’ll write you, Faddah I can’t last
I just can’t last!

Dear Mom, Be prepared for my complaining
This camp is Hell on Earth here and it just won’t let up raining
I know my last nerve is draining that’s what I’m explaining
My friend Joe Spivy’s in the Health Office sustaining
As the poison ivy distresses him itching but restraining
I’m still amazed that I didn’t catch it too we’re hikers
But at least that’s much better than being mountain bikers
Trails made them sliders then into tree colliders
Contacts we’ll be signing. What’s worse is that the Dining Room’s declining
That’s where my friend Leonard Skinner got food poisoning in him
I’m going to write you everyday so you can save your son
There are alligators out in the lake so boating’s done
I even heard in the woods monsters eat you for lunch
Vampires, Loch Ness and werewolves too that is their hunch
Hope and pray that you get this mom, they might stock letters blocked
If they don’t bring your van, It’s Alan…

This camp is gross I’ll run and hide
Anywhere else at all
The camp next door is playing limbo
While we are getting mauled
While escape sounds good there’s not a way
Look they’re playing baseball
So I’ll write you Bruddah I can’t last
I cannot last!

Dear Dad,
My letters aren’t a joke, I hope I could have scared ya
Since my bunk mate is DEAD SICK with malaria
I’m afraid it’ll soon be me who has the illness
More than just a flu, Since we sleep in the same cabin heard him “Achoo!”
But there are some things worse than that, Remember Jeff Hardy?
We’ll he’s been lost in the wilderness for days there’s a search party
That’s pretty scary dad, I need to pop some Midol
I want to leave this awful camp before a bear comes and chews
I won’t be bad if you come and take me with you
I promise to clean the house whenever you say I got to
These bugs I smack are big as whales okay? I am not a happy camper
I thought I could swim in the lake and scamper
But so far I couldn’t be more wrong
We can never play croquet since the land here is a swamp
And the Dining Hall has a strange smell with food that’s hard to just digest
The meat is moving and blue they call it chicken breast
(Disgusting)
Sometimes the leaders make us work by chopping down some trees
Play a small violin when we whine and say we really want to leave
But it’s not the work and crappy meals that make me pack up and quit
It’s the stupid songs they make us sing at the campfire all evening
See not everything around here’s grim, but it sucks!
That’s why I write you constantly to come pick me up
You gotta get me dad cause the councilors are drunk on booze
I need clean drawers, man
Because the washer/dryers they defused

Complaints are old but they’re not lies
Miss television shows
Each parent sent kids for the summer
So they could be alone
Everyday we’re here we want to escape
We got blisters on our toes
So I’ll write y’all… In this camp can’t last
No I cannot last!

Dear, Parents-Who-Apparently-Will-Leave-Their-Son-At-Camp
This place is sheer wreckage I’d rather be in class
Thanks to these damn moths have ratty clothes! Plus I’m nervous
That you won’t ever come to rescue me from this huge flea circus!
So this is the last letter I’m sending you! You’d better read it!
I’m in a kayak now and alligators all surround me
Hey Mom! I chugged a bunch of Bug Juice, Now I gotta pee!
But I’ll come back I’m not done at all with my ranting write
There now I’m back and I can see all of these alligators frowning
They’re pissed off, They lick their chops they want to chomp on all my limbs
Now you should think “Gee whiz! I should have got my son from Camp Granada”
But it’s too late! There’s a bunch of gators they’re hungry
And all I wanted was to leave this damn Hell Hole
The one where in soccer I never ever scored a goal
I love you Mom! But you should have read my letters and responded
I WILL have a cow! My leader’s a creep and tapes us in swim suits!
When picking teams I was always picked last now EAT me gators!
In archery I SHOT MY SHOE and my foot BLEED a lot then!
See Mom! [Roar!] Stupid lizard, Lost my place!
Yeah mom, That’s a crocodile there in the lake
He sees me in this boat, Wants to eat me up and I might let him
Cause if I terminate myself from this camp then I’m removed!
He’s going to gulp, I can see his sharpened fangs now
Oh crap! What’s that sun? I guess I won’t be eaten like a trout!

[Sound of birds tweeting, kids laughing and splashing]

The clouds unfold, Sun’s in the sky
The gators swam and hid
The cheering crowds are playing football
I think I’ll join those kids
I misunderstood this place doesn’t stink
Except for the giant squid
I’ll rewrite you, Muddah it’s a blast
This place is a blast!

Dear, Mom
Throw out my other letters I must be crazy
There’s nothing but fun stuff going on since it stopped hailing
Look, Jeff is a batter whacking balls with baseball bats!
Here he is back at full health Leonard though he won’t touch Mess Hall snacks
My shoes no longer sink into the mud, I need a tissue!
I’m so happy I could cry this Hell Hole camp is renewed
And what’s this smell fresh flowers it no longer reeks of dog doo
I think that I’ll go catch some frogs now that they’re not in my shoes
Along the beach catching a tan are all our camp councilors
Plus they even cleaned the toilet stalls, Don’t smell like dead skunks
It’s so much better now that we have sunny weather
The mosquitoes even toned down so that we are not smothered
It’s nice to not have to swat them all while we’re covered
What’s the point of writing this long letter?
Just to tell you everything is better, I just hope that you don’t arrive
Because I’m doing swell, It’s not worth the 10 hour drive
They teach us to whittle, Working with knives I am a fan
So please change your plans and don’t come here in your mini-van
This is the last letter that I’ll submit
While the alligators might have frightened you with their lips they licked
I got sprayed by a skunk and there weren’t push pops in the fridge
I was in some kind of funk, but mom I swear to you I quit
Since now this camp is great, I no longer want to spew
Can we return to Camp Granada next year too?
Please!