I'm freezin' cold and wondering why-y
I can't find you at all
I left my skistocks in my igloo
so I can't ski at all
and even if I could, there's stuff-all hope that
I could find your workshop door
to remind you...
I was not so bad
not so bad...

I'm freezin' cold and wondering why-y
I'm standing here at all
I gave that sasquatch all my jujubes
so I can't eat at all
and even if I could I am way too tired
to locate your workshop door
to remind you...
I was not so bad
not so bad...


Dear Santa
I wrote you with all that I wanted
I want a bike, an Xbox, and a blow-up "J-Lo" bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got em
There probably was a problem
with the Post-Igloo or somethin
Maybe putting North "Pole" looked too dodgy and they blocked em
but anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man? How's Mrs Santa?
she must be pregnant dude
on the cards she's lookin fatter
If she has a daughter, I think you gotta call her...
y'gotta name her Merry
I heard about the Easter Bunny dude too - I'm sorry
I have a brother says he's fictional, and he's not a real bunny
I know you probably hear this everyday - but he says you're a sham
He even said there's no elves - or reindeers or Pammy An...
but how can a sham end up having a real ADDRESS, man?
coz it makes no sense it's a scam - there IS a Greenland
Anyways, I hope you get this, man
email me back - a map or plan
of your shack - up in Greenland
This is Stan


I'm freezin' cold and wondering why-y
I can't find you at all
I got my ski goggles all foggy
so I can't see at all
and where's that reindeer with his nose so bright
who could lead me to your door
just to tell you...
I was not so bad...
not so bad...


Dear Santa...
you still aint emailed - you musta had a chance
I aint mad...
I just think it's fucked up that you don't answer man
If I weren't well-behaved enough to get an Xbox...you still should let ME know
or your elves coulda made me a tickle-me emo
that or maybe texted man
how hard's a "ho ho ho"
I flew up to the blistering cold to you, for four days
Did I find you? no!
thats pretty shitty man, I had to stow on a jumbo
I spent eleven hours in a suitcase man
in the hold with the cargo
It weren't that hard though - those baggage downchutes are though...
remember when we met in Walmart?
you said if I was warm to my friends you might come...
see I'm just like Mrs Santa, eh
You'd say that to her ass in foreplay
with six geese a-laying, damn what's one more lay?
Oh what fun she'd be to ride in an open one-horse sleigh
see when I have a shitty day
I drift 8(hundred)mile away
coz I dont really got shit else, so I imagine you two acting deranged
I even have your likenesses on myspace/Stan homepage
One time I animated you - jingling all the way
'slike adultchannel, the sight of you's such a freakin rush for me
See I know you make that stuff for me
I respect what you done for ME and
my brother disses me just coz I looked you up in Greenland
but he don't believe in you like I do Santa - no one does
He don't know how I tried not to shout or pout...all these months
you gotta text me Santa - I'll put out the biggest carrot next time for you
Sincerely yours
Stan
P.S. I want the latest ipod too


I'm freezin' cold, I'm wondering why-y
I can't find you at all
I'm tramping thru this six foot deep snow
and I'm just five foot tall
walkin through this winter wonderland
tryna find your workshop door
to remind you...
I was not so bad...
not so bad


Dear mister I'm-too-busy-up-Mrs-Santa's-chimney!
This'll be the last year I'll be good for your ass
It's been six months and still no toys...I don't deserve it
I know you liked my last two letters
I drew Frosty the Snowdude on em, perfect
So this'll soon be on youtube of me
it's for you two to see
I'm in the garage now, and I got scissors too with me
Hey Santa - I drank a fifth of eggnog - and half a Bud light
You know that song by Bing Crosby bout that Christmas that was white
about that guy who dreamed that all his Christmases would be bright
and how the children, wait no the treetops, wait no the children, listened?
That's kinda how this is - you coulda listened and stopped me take these risks 'n
now it's too late - I got these scissors in my fists 'n
...I'm itchin'
just like the night before Christmas for Vixen...or Blitzen
I hope you know these scissors trashed those cards with your pics on
I loved you Santa - I coodna behaved much better - think about it
You ruined it now - I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
and when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your helpers NEEDLE you to watch this DVD about it
see Santa...running with scissors! it's odds-on I'll slip
Hey Santa, that mat's waitin - just up me to trip
but I didnt trip although
I'm still out of luck
whatever I do
coz if my mother sees I'll lose the scissors - and I'll get grounded too
well - coming back
I'm almost at the mat now
oh shit
now I've dropped...
scissors, uh-oh, there's the mat, OW!


{*thud*} {*scream*}.....{*brief silence*}......{*ambulance siren*}


I'm being told I have to li-ie
facedown until the fall
I got these tubes stuck to my insides
and I can't shit at all
anyway it seems there just aint no way
I'd be in your good books now
I'll just tune in...
to that new dude Slim...
new dude Slim


Dear Stan
I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You think Mrs Santa's pregnant now? - no effin way is she
look, with Dr Phil on cable she aint got time for bonkin'
but here's the xbox you're wantin'
and a snowdome from Wisconsin
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the "Pole" - I musta missed you
but don't think I had it snow intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you gonna take some risks dude?
I say that shit just clownin dogg
c'mon - how fucked up is you?
You got some is-sues Stan - I think you need some distance
away from your bad brother who's been dissing my existence
And what's this shit about us chatting in my workshop?
don't ever join the elves man - that is like the worst job!
I really think your brother should maybe read your letter
...or maybe YOU might need to ignore 'im better
I hope you get to read this email - I just hope it reaches you in time
before you misbehave
I think that you'd BE doin' just fine
if you relax a little
I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
don't be such a flake
coz I know if you're good or bad be GOOD for goodness sake
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a coupla weeks ago that made me gasp
Some kid fell over and scissors went right up his ass
and a proctologist had to open him up, and remove 'em with his tongs
and on the floor they found his camera but they dunno what went wrong
come to think about it
it all was......in this song

Damn!