Dear Jim, I wrote but you haven't called
I sent a card, a pressie, and some sweets in a parcel
I sent some slippers in October, you must not have got them
There probably was a problem with the Royal Mail or something
Sometimes I get shaky and addresses blur when I jot them
But anyway, how have you been, how is your mother?
I miss you very much, so does grandfather
I heard about Laura, could I call her?
I'm sure she's very pretty
I heard you're at university, that's lovely
Your father tried to get in, but in the end it just wasn't for him
I think you got this for your birthday, but since I'm your only Gran
I went and got that turtles jumper from this boot fair in Ham
My spare room is still full of your old toys young man
I don't mind if they stay here until you sort out your flat
Anyway, I hope you get this sonny, call me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your favourite Nan
This is Gran

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
These cataracts cloud up my eyesight..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..


Dear Jim, you still haven't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I'm not mad, I just think it's rude to not write to your dear old Nan
If you didn't want to go out with me and Albert
You didn't have to, but you could have told me when we asked you
We're getting old jimmy, were seventy years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
Four hours and you didn't show
That's terrible Jim, we'd do anything for you
Grandad really wanted to see you, he loves you more than I do
I'm not mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we saw you at Xmas-you said if we write you
You would write back -typical of young people these days
Always gallivanting like heathens
Meeting with nasty girls and becoming gang leaders
Why do parents today let this happen to their son's
Not in my day, I'd find the right road and put them back on
It just isn't right for young men to be walking the streets badly dressed
Getting tattoos of naughty words on their chests
Sometimes I even ask myself why kids spit and curse
Is it funny, for young rascals to be so cruel and perverse
But everything you've done is good, and I respect you for it
Old Betty just thinks you're another rude delinquent
But she doesn't know you like I know you Jim, no one does
She doesn't know what a nice little boy you were growing up
Please call me Jimmy, I'm the nicest Nan that you could choose
Sincerely Gran - P.S. You should come and see us too

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
These cataracts cloud up my eyesight..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

Dear Mister I'm too busy to call or write my Gran
This'll be the last jumper I ever send young man
It's been four months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on them perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in a car right now, some doctors are taking me away
You see, I ate all my pills and took a little drive
In Betty's new fiesta and drove it into a nearby streetlight
You could have called me and saved your Nan from crashing
But didn't, and Albert saw it all, and later the doctors found him
Collapsed on the floor, they couldn't rescue him from dying
And now it's too late - I'm on Prozac now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was one letter or a call
I hope you know I threw out all your toys into the hall
I love you Jim, we could have talked together, think about it
You've ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope you're conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me
See Jim - be quiet nurse, I'm trying to talk -
You hear that Jim? That's Nurse Judy giving your dear old Gran a thump.
I just asked for my coat, but she got angry and hit me
My tablets were in the pocket, but she wouldn't give them to me
Oh well, got to go, almost at the home now
No wait, that's not a home, that's just a hole in the ground

(Crashing and sound of explosion)


My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
These cataracts cloud up my eyesight..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

Dear Gran I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said Grandad was missing me, I miss him too, so how is he?
Look, I'm really glad you kept all my toys up in your flat
I stopped by and talked to mother,
She's happy now I'm back
I'm sorry I didn't join you at the show, I've been in Peru
I'm sure I explained that at Xmas when I saw you
But what's all this you said about buying a turtles jumper too?
I'm not seven anymore Nan
C'mon - how senile are you?
You got some problems Nan, think you're memory is slowing
I said I was taking a gap year abroad and that in January I was going
And what's this about me becoming a gang leader?
going round with sluts and dressing up in chain clad leather
It won't happen Nan, Laura's nice and we need each other
You just need to trust me better
I hope you read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you worry yourself, I think you'll be doing just fine
If you relax a little, I'm glad you love me but Nan
Why are you so mad? Try to understand, I want you as my Nan
I just don't want you to have a crazy fit
I saw this one thing on the news a couple of months ago which made me sick
Some doctors went mad and drove their car into a ditch
While an old lady was in the back with her Prozac pills and stick
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, her name was...it was you
Damn!