Where are the cops when you need them the most?
She's waving a pool cue and screaming "You're toast!!"
She's drunk about seven pints of Jack
She's pleading for you to take her back
This blind date's now no longer fun

A friend of a friend of your big sister, Drew
She hasn't been out since 2002
She enters your seedy local bar
She looks like a model-stroke-porn star
You ask yourself, "What could go wrong?"

But you've got a mad date
It started off fine
A lovely French meal and a bottle of wine
You tell her she's cute
But then she starts cryin'
Admits she's been "bad" and she's been doing time
She's such a mad date
She loves pickin' fights
Don't tell her to stop or she'll punch out your lights
You've got a mad date
A f***ed up, mad date

The fact that she should be locked away
Became fairly clear just post-entrée
But she was hot; you carried on

She was a mad date
You had a slow dance
She felt something stir in your brand new Gap pants
She called you a pig
A slap in the face
A knee to the groin and a whole can of mace
This really mad date
Sud-denly contrite
She's clutching your leg, cooing "You're Mr Right.."
A f***ed up, mad date

Sometimes a person shouldn't mix drinks
When they're on medica-ti-on
Her black belt ex-husband's just turned up
Shouting, "What the hell's going on?"
He's got a gun

So where is a medic when you need one the most?
You've two black eyes
A few broken ribs and a rearranged nose

Coz you had a mad date
You're curled up in pain
She's asking you "When can we do this again?"
You stare at her with
Complete disbelief
A sociopath, alcoholic car thief
You've had a mad date
You try to get home
You can't call a cab; she stole your phone
You had a mad date
A f***ed up, mad date