I used to rhumba well
men would rise when Id lunge and twirl
Now in the morning I dance alone
Swapped the feet I used to own

I used to fox trot nice
arabesque anchor step and glide
Listen as the crowd would sing
" john sargent is gone ! forsyth is king!"

One lift I would count for 3
Next thing erin collapsed on me
what the judges saw when we did land
was her breasts in my face, crutch in my hand

I hear Arlene like a banshee screaming
Bruno’s bright orange face is gleaming
len Goodman was my sword and shield
Craig revel horwood should be concealed

For some reason I can't explain
Once you fall there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when Id rhumba well

It was the lycra rubbing on my skin
is why the grapevine would do me in
Shattered kneecaps and the shakin hips
and tess dailey has great thrupenny bits

Voting british public wait
for my score of 3,2,4,8
what a plonker we will never win
I gave up pantomime to do this thing!

I hear Arlene like a banshee screaming
Bruno’s bright orange face is gleaming
len Goodman was my sword and shield
Craig revel horwood should be concealed

For some reason I can't explain
Once you fall there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when Id rhumba well

I hear Arlene like a banshee screaming
Bruno’s bright orange face is gleaming
len Goodman was my sword and shield
Craig revel horwood should be concealed

For some reason I can't explain
Once you fall there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when Id rhumba well