If you think they're neat, go help yourself
But I'm just afraid that I'm not a fan
Nyaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

What's wrong with a window pane? With or without some shades
To try not blind me when it's bright
And a crank to crack open when a breeze would be nice
That's all fine and grand to me
But some folks want to add a balcony

Can explain until your jaw starts to hurt (not a joke)
I think they're stupid, a pure waste of the fancy construction
I'd never add them to a buildin' I own (not a joke)
And if I buy one with 'em there, they're due for demolition

No, I would rather stay inside
Instead of standin' by unnecessary heights
My view is not made better by this porch that's too high
Closer by half a metre just isn't worth the price
Small space? It's still more to clean
Caked in what a full bird likes to leave

I'm not givin' feathered bastards a perch (not a dope)
Got enough trouble without further bathroom invitations
Some kind of awning would protect it, I know (not a dope)
But that's just soundin' like an upsell, hate that institution

Don't want those dumb things here, I'd
Much rather jump onto a rusty spear (spear)
"Could be romantic"? Please stop
The one example in my brain ain't neat

Shakespeare sure did write a play where this thing was on stage
Do you remember, mate, the end? It wasn't great

"Not just one window wide, could take up the whole side
Now you've got cool porch nights, just closer to the sky"
I'm sorry, was that nonsense that you just spilled, that shite
Was it meant for convincin' my ass to join your side?
Because to me, that doesn't help (yeah)
Only expands the pain that someone could have (oh-oh-oh)

Such a waste of all the effort you've burned (you're a joke)
Completely focused on my least fav'rite buildin' addition
So many other things you can do, you know (you're a joke)
Go rant at people more in favour of stupid construction

Won't find that person here, I've
Made up my mind, I hope I've made it clear (clear)
Your tricks won't work on me but
If others like it, I won't make a scene
I've acted like an arsehole
Dismissed the whole damn concept as a farce (jeered)
Balconies just aren't for me, I
Won't be a dick and say they all should die